Raisa

My Qeen Mother, Raisa is sick! She is almost 19 years old and old age is catching up with her. I was in Mecca when Ika SMS me saying that Raisa is in hospital at UPM Vetenary Clinic, suffering from kidney failure. I was devastated. SMS went to and from Mecca regularly asking how Raisa was doing. According to Ika, she noticed that Raisa didn't eat, didn't move around and her body smelled. She immediately brought her to Dr.Netto at UPM Clinic near Hilton, PJ and Dr. Netto advised her to get Raisa to UPM. I always like UPM anilmal clinic-so pretty, welcoming and comfortable.
Izrin was out of his mind. Raisa is his girl for 19 years and devoted to her as Raisa is to him. He visited her in the clinic which cheered her up and helped her to get out of her depression. She stayed there for 2 weeks until the day I returned from Hajj. I was upset to see how thin and fragile Raisa is. She has always been the lady of the house, very regal and dainty but so lemah semangat. Mok, the naughty one, alwaus frightened her and poor Raisa has no peace. Actually Mok was trying to play with her but because he was rough, Raisa didn't like it and ran away from him. So when Raisa was in hospital, Mok is the King of the house. Doctor's diagnose of Raisa is grim - she thinks Raisa will live the longest one year. Izrin was in despair.
Now Raisa has to be forced-feed and medicated. Ika is wonderful. She cared for Raisa like a baby and I bet she is going to be a great mom when her baby comes. Izrin is so busy with his work that Ika took over the caring of Raisa. She has to go for dialysis at UPM every 2 or 3 days. I am so grateful that my children care for their pets and took responsibility. Raisa and Mok have given us so many delighful years and were always the focus of our conversation, binding the family together. We know that Raisa will go one day and but hope not too soon. I just can't imagine what will happen to all of us if Mok were to leave us, we just don't want to think about it.
Mok is with me now in PD, giving Ika a reprieve to focus on Raisa. When I came back, Raisa claimed my bed expelling Mok out. She didn't wait for Izrin anymore. If she slept down, at night she would miawed so loud that I have to go and reassure her that I am with her. This reminded me of my mother when she was ailing. She would cry if she was left alone and wanted somebody in her sight all the time. I became impatient as I have other chores to do and let her cry for sometime. Thinking about it made me feel so guilty and so bad that I asked Allah to forgive me over and over again. I just wished I was kinder and more understanding then. God knows the turmoil I went through when I was praying in front of the Kaabah - pleading to Allah to forgive me for being unkind to my mother when she was old and ailing. This is the experience I want my children and other children to know and to realise - it's so painful and the guilt feeling will haunt you until you are as old or older than me, maybe for life. I went through this process and fervently hope Allah forgives me. I still cry.
Mok is with me now in PD - I am cat-sitting! A group of girls from UTM who were attending their Property Management workshop at Corus Paradise Hotel were staying at the apartment next door and Mok became the centre of attraction, being held and photographed. He was the star!! He is so cute with his fat ass and legs wobbling when he ran. Being a lazy and a spoilt cat, it's hard to make him go for walk for exercise but I managed to persuade him a bit.

My Hajj Experience 2009 - Medina

Beautiful Masjid Nabawi, Medina. Entrance to the men's section with non-stop mechanised cleaning.










Medina was a delight. I always like this clean, modern city with moderate climate. The drive from Mecca to Medina took more than 8 hours, stopping along the highway for lunch and prayer. The stop-over place was as filthy as years ago when I did my Umrah, not a restful, comfortable and clean place. The government seems to forget that there are thousands of people break their journey along the way to Medina and they need a place that's clean. The condition was real bad.

We arrived in Medina at Maghrib time and checked in Bahauddin Hotel, a modern hotel in front of Masjid Nabawi's door for ladies. The new Masjid Nabawi is magnificent.





The old part of Masjid Nabawi where Makam Rasullullah is, indicated by the green dome.














The courtyard is now sheltered from sun by rows of huge beautiful umbrellas. I don't know exactly know what they are made of. You don't have to fight your way to find a praying place for Zohor and Asar in the mosque. The courtyard is cool and breezy and most time when I found the mosque was packed, I prayed there with many other Malaysians. But of course, just like in Masjidil Haram, there are Malaysians who believe that praying inside the mosque is more pahala but not in the courtyard. So the struggle continues.




The huge umbrellas are closed in the morning and at night.

















The half-closed umbrella.












The discontent among the jemaahs towards the company spilled over to Medina. Though the hotel is good, very near the mosque, clean with regular service, there was another kind of struggle. With more than 500 jemaahs, the dining space was so limited, shared with other groups of companies. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were big tussles. Limited tables and chairs, crammed buffet tables, jumping Qs, coughing at food tables and greedy habit of piling huge amount of food in the plates and left it unfinished were the unsightly daily scenes. Again I wondered what Hajj meant to them. I resorted to going to the dining hall as fast as I could, took some food and brought it up to my room to eat in peace. Lunch was always kebabs or bakso bought outside and sometimes dinner too. Another hassle was the elevators which are small and cannot accommodate the 800 people in the hotel. It was an endless struggle and you were told to be redha and sabar because it's Ujian - all man-made that could be avoided with efficient management.

Throughout my stay in Mecca and Medina after Mina, I was unwell. My body was filled with cough mixtures, panadol and antibiotics. We were reminded to use face masks in crowded places, I wore it faithfully but my roommate simply refused because she didn't feel comfortable wearing it. I have never heard of people die of wearing a face mask. So every time she got the attack, the next day I would fall sick too and I was so tired of being sick all the time. It was so frustrating and tiring - the 'I, Me, and Myself' syndrome really reared an ugly head. Since wearing a face mask didn't help me to avoid the germs in my room, I used it for the purpose to protect others from getting the germs/virus from me when I coughed or sneezed. The same thing happened also in Medina and I have to cancel joining the ziarah trip outside Medina. By the time I reached KLIA, I was still coughing so badly. It has calmed down a bit now but I still need to get drug into my body.

It rained in Medina on 22 Dec 09 at Asar - not the heavy rain as we have here in Malaysia. There was only one umbrella opened. Everybody ziroed in the mosque for prayer and it was really jammed packed as the women's section couldn't accommodate the huge number of women jemaahs. I chose to pray outside under the umbrella, in calmness and in peace. Well, rain is water and water will dry. So it was no big deal for me when my telekung and my praying mat got a bit wet. One Indian lady slipped in the mosque and broke her arm. I could imagine the chaos in the mosque when everybody fought for a space to pray. I loved the rain, it made it so cool and pleasant and the rain went away as fast it came. Many Malaysians couldn't understand why I chose to pray in the courtyard during the rain.

Arrangement for returning to Malaysia ignited another conflict between the company and the jemaahs. The company, working with Tabung Haji and MAS suggested that all jemaahs pay Rial 35 so that all baggage would be handled by airport staff which made it easy for all. I was delighted with this plan. I thought why not do it and treat the Rial 35 as sedekah to those airport workers who had to work hard to check in all luggage. Another selfish attitude surfaced when many questioned why we have to pay Rial 35 and why not paid by the company and accused the company was making money out of the jemaahs. Out of sheer frustration the organiser cancelled the plan and everyone had to struggle with bags and jumping Qs. It was unbelievable. I just didn't understand it. Many shopped for thousand of ringgits plus paying hundred of ringgit to send parcels home and they grudged the Rial 35 for the airport service? Where did charitable heart go when they just completed Hajj?

In the plane, Ju, one of the jemaahs told me that she regretted for not smuggling a few bottles of Zam-zam water in her luggage, as so many did. I told her not to regret it as she was doing the right thing. We have been warned the danger of having zam-zam water in the luggage - it can endanger the lives of people in the plane. But I know many disregarded it and out of sheer selfishness they think for their own benefit alone - not for the safety of the people in the plane and they were proud for being successful in fooling the airline. This is really mind-boggling for me - how do these people think and associate with what they do with Hajj? There is something wrong somewhere, where the internalization of Islamic teaching is concerned. Are we really the real Muslims that we claim we are????

This Hajj, I have seen so many noble deeds and kindness which delighted me but also as many if not more of selfish, unislamic behaviour of the jemaahs. In Al-Haram and Nabawi, there were so many questions I asked Allah to enlighten me on what being a Muslim is all about - are they only the prayers, the aurat, the haram and the halal?

Out of these experiences, I am still so very grateful that Allah graced me the opportunity to do my Hajj again and thus saw a different side and understanding than what I saw in 1984. I hope for those who read my Blog and plan to do their Hajj to learn from it and made some changes in themselves.

In my next Blog, I would like to make some suggestions for the would be Jemaahs for the years to come.

My Hajj experience 2009 - Arafat and Mina

25 Nov 2009, still in Mecca preparing to go to Arafat for Wuquf. My jaw almost dropped when I heard big thunders and heavy rain - in Mecca? I have been to Mecca more than a dozen times and this is the first time I heard thunder and heavy rain. Some viewed the rain as a blessing but the organisers were worried about the floods news that might delay our trip to Arafat. I received SMS from Maz who was in Dubai at that time, asking whether I was caught in the 'big flood' as reported on TV. It was such an exaggeration. In actual fact, due to poor drainage system because they have not had much rain, the roads were with water but it was nothing compared to our Malaysia flash floods. Cars, small or big, could still go through. I guess it was such a big news to see Mecca with rains.

I was surprised that the drive to Arafat took about half an hour. The road system has improved tremendously with highways with multiple exits - it wasn't like in 1984. The tent in Arafat was pathetic with cloth roofs but colourful. It rained there too and the mattresses were soaked wet. We had to remove the mattresses and slept on mats and carpets. 25 - 26 Nov in Arafat was devoted to prayer. Discontent and unhappiness have to be put aside and focused on our Wuquf. True what people say. Sometimes during Hajj you see the other side of a person whom you think you know well - the real side of the person. I learned this and it surprised me to see a person who prided herself for being patient, calm, gentle and caustious showed unreasonable temper tantarums because things did not go the way she wanted it. In fact, I surprised mysef during the Hajj period for being accepting, calm and understood that in such situation some form of sacrifices were needed. Where did my temper and impatience go? I so wanted it to go away permanently and make me a nice even-tempered person that everyone likes -but that's not me.

Naaimah and her staff tried to make things better but deep discontent among the jemaahs about the management were obvious but I promised myself in my prayer that I would keep calm and deal with the issues when my Hajj was over and I am proud I was able to do just that.
The Wuquf was a fulfilling process for me. I was able to focus on my prayers and prayed not only for me but also for my children, siblings, relatives, friends, students and my country and its leaders. As Wuquf is a time when Allah grants your wishes, I prayed so hard for my Malaysia to be in peace always bringing the dignity of Islam to glory and the leaders could make amends inspite of their different political aspirations. I wonder how many of the jemaahs focused on their country and not on themselves alone.







The open sky at Arafat during Wuquf.








Inspite of the discomfort, we managed to go through our Wuquf, syukur alhamdullillah. We left Arafat after maghrib for Muzdalifah to fufill another requirement for Hajj - Mabit or to sleep there and that's the place where we picked 70 small stones for the Melontar or stoning of the devels rituals in Mina. Another discomfort awaited us, with thousands of Jemaah, toilets became big problems. Sharipah and I limited our drinking, not a healthy decision but we wanted to minimise the need to go to toilets. We rested on the mat while waiting for midnight to pass and at about one o'clock in the morning the buses came to pick us to Mina tents to stay for 3 days.


Mina was a disaster!! The tent where 29 of us stayed was cramped. We slept huddled together and that was where we slept, ate, read Quran and prayed. Nobody wore face masks and everywhere there were bad coughing and spitting. The situation was so unhealthy and was made worse by limited number of toilets for such huge number of jemaahs. The conditions of the toilet were appalling, made worse by selfish dirty Malay Muslim ladies who simply put soiled sanitary pads and rubbish in the toilets when there were rubbish bins outside. I was shocked, angry and disgusted. We were in the midst of our Hajj and they did the haram thing blatantly. These were the so called Muslims who covered themselves from head to toes but in actual practice they were hypocrites, ridiculing the basic teaching of Islam - cleanliness and welfare of others. I didn't know how to describe the miserable Malay attitude of those irresponsible women who had no shame and conscience. If the tents were shared with other races like the Indonesians, they could easily blamed them but the tents were for Malaysians only!! Was that what Hajj meant for them?? Mencemarkan kesucian fardhu haji?



At Jamratul Aqabah.









What surprised me so pleasantly was the process of Melontar. I was amazed at how much improvement has been done to make the process easier, compared to the time in 1984. There was no tension, no rush and no pushing with other people. The place was big enough to accomodate the melontar as the Saudi Governement has placed tight schedules for different countries to do their duty. There were 5 levels of Jamrah now instead of one before, so it was more relaxing though the walk there took 6 km one way.

Selfish attitude and inconsideration of others seemed to be the order of the day. Since toilets were limited, usage should be minimal and fast. Taking showers nearing prayer time were thoughtless and selfish but that was what was done. Long Q waited for those stupid water princesses to shower and many missed the morning prayer for not having enough time to ease themeselves and for abolution, whereas showering could be done after the prayers. I felt so sorry for some old ladies who pleaded to use toilet first to ease themselves and had to wait for some time. One or two couldn't hold and wet themselves at the toilet doors. I cried silently inside, in despair looking at the 'I, Me and myself' attitude of the Malay Muslims there. What's the meaning of Hajj to them? Why wasted so much money for Haj but refused to practice compassion and cleanliness?

Toilets were never cleaned for the 3 days we were there. Rubbish were thrown everywhere. I was looking for brooms and dust pans to do the cleaning and I would do it if I could find it. I picked the thrown plastic bags and rubbish with my fingers and threw them in the rubbish bins and I saw one or two others did the same but how much could we do when so many just couldn't care less? With such condition, no wonder so many of us got sick after Mina. I lost my voice and flu hit me hard.

As for the men, they spit phlem anywhere with such disgusting sound. Some urinated at the rubbish bins leaving stink beyond words. These are Muslims who have to wash themselves clean before prayer but in real life they are dirty pigs! With tension towards the organising company rising (TM Tours and Travels) dissatisfaction and anger ranged high, made worse by the jammed packed buses provided to go back to Mecca. We were told to be redha because all these were UJIAN. Oh yes, easy solution - blame it to GOD whereas the Ujian was man-made that could be avoided. Those who were gruntled would not get Haji Mabrur, so just shut up and don't say a word! Who is to determine who gets Haji Mabrur??

What I felt sad about was that none of the ustazah and uztaz who gave talks in the tents touched on the importance of cleanliness in Islam which should be applied in daily life. They saw the condition of the toilets but no mention to relate it to daily Islamic practices such as, it's haram to throw dirty sanitary pads for people to see. The focus was solely on how to pray this and that sunat, how to cover yourself and the routine prayer practices - but not relating it to practicing the actual teaching in Islamic life. I am not a pious lady but I think this is why we have so many hypocrites who judge others according to their standard of piousness. To me this is the weakness of Islamic religious teaching - failure to relate the teaching to daily life practices and resulting in lacking of penghayatan and over-emphasised on routines and rituals.


We heaved a huge sigh of relief when we left Mina which could easily become the filthiest city in the world - a testimony of irresponsible attitude and behaviour of Muslims. I hope Tabung Haji could do something to improve the condition in Mina in the Malaysian section for other Hajj seasons and making it a safe and healthy place.







This was my own personal experience told in a very candid truthful manner. Some might not like it and tried to portray that everything was good and fine and for one who saw some faults wasn't a deserving one. I am a true Muslim - body, mind and soul but I am not blind to the faults of human beings, including myself. I am no angel - impatient and direct and in so doing, I hurt feelings but I don't gossip or talk bad about others behind their backs - they get it direct from me.

My Hajj Experience 2009

The Kaabah in Masjidil Haram with people doing their Tawaf.













My eternal syukur alhamdullillah to Allah for allowing me to do my second Hajj and to bring me back safely to my family on 28 December 2009. Being away for 44 days solely for Hajj was quite a testing experience. What a difference it was with my first Hajj in 1984 with the 2009 experience.
For those who plan to do Hajj in the near future, I would seriously advise you to prepare yourself not only on the procedure of performing Hajj but also to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, psychologically and physically. The psychological preparation is most important as you may face challenges you least expected, not from Allah but from people. With 4 million people converge at one place at the same time, there are many unislamic behaviour that may shock your core beliefs.

During this Hajj, there were so many questions that I asked myself after observing the behaviour of my fellow Muslims, Malaysians included. The question why we perform Hajj was clear cut - to fulfill the requirement of the fifth pillars of Islamic faith but I was baffled on how many Muslims apply the teaching in their daily life, many did contrary to the teachings. Self-absorption and selfishness became the centre of focus, to the exclusion of other people's comfort or interest. Is Hajj only for 'I, Me, Myself and my God'? Isn't there a fardhu Kifayah that Allah encourages people to consider other people's welfare and to extend help and to sacrifice self-interest for the benefit of the Ummah? The Islamic religion that I learn and believe has implications of very disciplined practices, not based on self alone as I have seen being practiced even during Hajj.

The great mosque, the Al-Haram, is looked upon with much esteem, the symbol of Islam where you expect Islamic teaching is applied. Due to the great number of jemaahs, the mosque officials were not able to impose male-female segregation during prayers. In some part of the mosque it became like a pesta, males and females grouped together as if in a party. I felt most uncomfrotable having a male praying next to me in the same Saf, or behind me. I have to take great care so that my air sembahyang was intact. Many refused to let their husbands or wives pray separately, Malaysians included. Immediately after prayers some will lie down to go to sleep amidst people walking in and out. Young women (many Indonesians) simply lie down with both legs wide open - such disgusting sight. I was amazed and upset at this ugly behaviour and questioned where are their religious and moral values. It's high time the mosque officials use whip to whip unislamic behaviour in the mosque. To avoid seeing unsightly scene, I chose to pray at the old part of the mosque where there are clear barriers between men and wome but even then, some attempted to subortage the practice when mosque officials were not around. My fervent prayer is that the Saudi Government takes immediately actions to stop the misuse of Al-Haram and have better crowd control.

Beside this, attitude and personal beliefs reared ugly heads. I have not been told if you prayed in front of the Kaabah during prayer time, you get more pahala. God says 'Pray anywhere in my mosque (Al-Haram)' and doesn't promise less pahala if you don't. Because so many ( many Malaysians as well) are so self-absorbed, that they literally fight for the little space, praying directly facing the Kaabah. There were so much pushing, arguing and shouting - man and woman alike - that having total peace was almost impossible. I felt sorry for the mosque officials who tried their best to make people go to pray at other places but many totally refued to budge, blocking walking path and disregarded other people's comfort. I tried to pray there a couple of times and decided that I am no more nearer to God but further for I couldn't find focus in my prayer. I chose to pray somewhere else where there were more peace as I know no matter where I prayed, I would be facing the Kaabah, though not visually. I hope those Malaysians who will go for Hajj to remember that selfish attitude doesn't make you a better Muslim. Al- Haram is such a huge mosque that there a place for prayer for everyone if the jemaah is well-disciplined and practice the Islamic teaching. Many Malaysians bragged how they managed to pray facing the Kaabah and that's the only place they would want to pray, including my own friend! It was such a misplaced belief!!



Photo after Tawaf Sunat at the third level overlooking the Kaabah.











To me the Tawaf is such a calm, beautiful and powerful way to communicate with God beside direct prayers, if the jemaahs walk with patience and even pace. But unruly, indisciplined jemaahs would pushed, jostled and cut your walking path in their hurry to complete the process. The thoughtless behaviour spoilt the beauty of the Tawaf. I hated being pushed, jostled and hanged on by selfish individuals that disturb my concentration. Again focusing became a problem. I really needed peace and calmness when I say my doa in total absorption to God. It was impossible to do so. So most times, my Tawafs were done on the third level overlooking the Kaabah where there were less people, for to complete the 7 rounds would take about 1 hour 20 minutes with calm walking compared with 40-45 minutes near the Kaabah. But I loved it as I could feel serenity crept in when I read my doa with no disturbance - it's me and Allah and I knew He heard me. So, you have a choice, depending on the state of your mind but I do wonder how much focus can you give when people constatntly pushed and jostled you around. You must be a robot if you deny being bothered somehow!!

What I am sharing here is real experience and observation though it may sound negative but these are reality that need to be accepted and addressed. I know a lot of peple will say that everything is Ok and perfect, implyimg those like me who saw the imperfections are not blessed by Allah - banyak dosa!! What hypcrites and they live in denials!! As long as we live in denials, there will never be awareness and attempts to make things better. Attitude will remain stagnant and there is no improvement. Living in denials means living in fear, especially in facing the truth. Video cameras and photos as prove are not suffice enough to convince them that there are imperfections among jeamaahs even in Masjidil Haram! I prayed to Allah to give me rezeki and health and to let me come back again to Mecca at least for Umrah in 4 years time when Mecca is having new look.

In my next blog I'll talk about my experience in Arafat , Mina and beautiful Medina.

Mok again

Yesterday was quite a devastating day for me. I was in despair. Izrin told me that Mok might be blind. Ika noticed that Mok was not able to blink or close his left eye even when sleeping. I was shocked as he was perfect when I last saw him. Dr. Netto, the vet, asked a lot of questions which I answered 'normal', even to the question whether he had any hard knock on the head. He suspected Mok may have glaucoma! I almost fell out of my chair with surprise - I am the one having glaucoma, why Mok??? He wrote a letter referring Mok to UPM animal clinic for further checkup.

In the car to UPM, I recalled that Ika thought he knocked Mok while reversing her car but the vet in PD, proclaimed him OK. I guess, this is an after-effect of the accident. Dr. Chan of UPM diagnosed a grim picture. The nerves on the left side of his face are affected and he was numbed around the left eye and face. He has to be on medication for life. She requested that we paid close attention to his behaviour for fear of other problems. Later, Ika SMS me that she noticed Mok would struggle to get up and wobbled sideways when walking. Oh God, that reminds me of stroke patients when I was working with NASAM.

I remember another beloved cat of ours, Muffin Senior, as beautiful and lovable as Mok, hit his head on a running car in a rush to come home. His eyes hang out and he was in great pain but we wanted to save him. The vet did a major operation on him and we didn't mind a blind cat as long as he lived. But unfortunately he died due to severe injury. Out hearts broke and for some time we refused to have pets but cats are our weakness. We started adopting again and later Mok was born.

I faced a number of challenges in preparing for this Haj. I maybe leaving with a heavy heart but I know Mok is in good hands with Ika and Izrin caring for him. Ika was really upset and I don't want her to be so, in her condition now.

I have cleared a number of issues before leaving though some hearts were hurt through my harsh words. I don't mince words when it comes to something that I feel not right. Forgiveness comes from the heart and I have done so. As far as I am concerned, I have voiced my displeasure and if someone gets hurt, that's too bad. I have forgotten and forgiven and my life goes on as usual. I don't waste my time and energy keeping grudges. If anybody bears grudges, that's not my problem. They have to deal with it. So, issues with FSKPM, Haj package, bounced cheque, family day and book publishing are cleared and I am happy with the outcome.

I know there are some more challenges I am going to face while doing my Haj. That would be huge tests for my patience and tolerance which are low and my great weaknesses. Ya Allah berilah aku kesabaran menempuh dugaanMU semasa menunaikan Haji. Sharipah and I have a pack, that we are going to remind ourselves over and over again and focus only to Haj, insyaallah. Being seniors, with a number of ailments, we are armed with medications and supplements. It really tickles me to think the great difference when performing Haj when I was in my thirties with the present. I guess everyone will go through this.

Ya Allah, please help me and my friends, Sharipah, Sofiah and Omar performing our Haj and grant us Haji Mabrur and allow us to come back to our families safely on 28 Dec 2009.

Preparation for Haj 2009

Syukur alhamdullillah my wish to perform Haj for the second time was granted by the grace of Allah. Since 2006, Sharipah and I attempted to request to perform our Haj from Tabung Haji but was not successful. In 2007, we were so eager to go with Dr.Napsiah and Prof Yusof and had collected our hand-carry bag, telekong and other gifts from Tabung Haji. They were so positive that we would get the extra quota for Malaysians that year. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually we were prepared but later Tabung Haji apologized and informed us we failed to get a place because there was no extra quota given. Of course we were greatly disappointed. The next year we applied again. This time early in the year we were already informed that our names were not in the list but we said it's OK, we'll keep on trying. Then, at the last minute we were offered Muassasah place by Tabung Haji but we declined. We reason that being seniors with a number of aches and pains, we need a more comfortable place to stay, sharing a room with attached bathroom, even though we have to pay more. In 2009, again we applied and faithfully attended the Haj course, Sharipah in Kuantan and I, in PD, but again our name were not in the list. By this time, we were immuned to disapointment until an old contact person persuaded us to apply through private package - TM Tours and Travel with whom we have been to Umrah several times.

At first, chances were slim as our names were still not in the list but at the last minute, they called and said we were successful. So the frantic preparation began but there was still no date of departure. Poor Ika and Justin, at the beginning I told them I might leave for Haj on 17 November and they bought return flight from Phuket after meeting Justin's friends from Ireland to be back by 14 November. So again they have to make changes to return on 13 November. I want my children to be around when I leave for Haj. It's quite unsettling when everything is so tentative but that's what Haj trip is. With 26,000 jemaah and a 10,000 last minute quota given by Saudi government, managing it must be a huge headache but TH is quite efficient in this respect.

After attending the TM briefing on Sunday 1 November, there are certain issues that need to be cleared with them which I am not happy particularly the downgrading of package with no adjustment of price. When a jemaah requested to upgrade the package, he/she has to top up the price but when he/she is being downgraded for certain reasons, no refund of difference in price is discussed, why??? In my case, the difference is quite substantial. Email stating my feeling has been sent but no satisfactory response is received. But my aim is to do my Haj in peace and will settle the issue when I return. There is no 'tak apa' or 'halal saja' here. This is a big issue to be resolved as this is not the first time a case like this happened to both of us and I don't want it to be TM management practice. I hope with the grace of Allah, the issue is resolved in good faith.

I am ready and packed but several times I have to minimize my clothes as the bag provided by TM is compact enough for 20kg allowed by the airline. This time, I am like many problematic ladies with different ailments. I have to bring a small chair with back support to the mosque to pray. I cannot sit on the floor too long due to backaches. I am asking God's help to minimize my need to go to the toilet when I am in the mosque. Imagine, with more than 3 millions people concentrating in one place, toilets will be a big problem.

Faithfully with advice, I have written my Will for execution by Amanah Raya. I've wanted to do this for quite a while and I am happy I got the chance to do it now.

To ex-students, friends and relatives, mohon ampun dan maaf segala kesilapan dan halalkan makan minum. As far as I remember I don't owe anybody money except IBS, my publisher, which I am going to clear it before I leave. If I owe money, let me know or halalkan saja sehingga I come back from Haj.

Pray for me for safe return and gain Haji Mabrur, insyaallah.

Another birthday ( 2009)

Ahhhh....another year passed by and I am getting 'wiser' by the minute. Allah is most kind and merciful to me - I am given a rich, peaceful life and good health. I am able to do what I want to do, with His Blessing, of course - thus, another birthday. I wonder sometimes how many more birthdays in good health will I have to celebrate? Only HE has the answer, meanwhile life has to go on. Syukur Alahamdullillah!


Since 1 November 09 (Sunday) was for attending Haj briefing by TM Tours and Travel in City Villa Hotel, KL, Maz arranged for the family members to have birthday lunch at Sheraton Hotel , KL on 31 Oct 09. Hazri was in PD attending a workshop, so, Ika, Justin, Maz, Izrin and Haidi were there. At 4.00 pm Jin Kim and Sharipah invited me to have high tea at One Utama. Bloated with dimsum, I wondered how I could cope with another stuffing but thanks God, Sharipah called to cancel because Jin was held up in Bentong.


At the briefing I met Sofiah Hamid and husband Omar who are in the same Haj package. I have not met nor kept in touch with them for such a long time. Sofiah used to be my best friend since university days but grew apart due to family involvement and going separate ways since we retired. Having 9 grandchildren is not a small matter and I bet she was on her toes most times though they're not living with her. Anyhow, I am still excited at the prospect of being a first-time grandma next year in April.


Thank you Amalia for taking the trouble to pay me a visit in PD and to wish me Happy birthday on Monday 2 November. Most thanks to Najidah who picked Amalia at KLIA and drove to PD to see me, with goodies. It was really good seeing Amalia again after a long time.




Najidah, I just love the birthday card you gave me and I thought it was such a brilliant idea. Your caring and love made you collect and gather all your friends' wishes for me and turned it into a beautiful card. I'll treasure it forever, kept safe in my file in Arkib Negara.



















And to all my ex-students and friends who sent messages through the card, phone calls, emails, SMS, birthday cards and YM, thank you a million times. It's nice to know that I am still in your hearts!!














I received a FWD email from a friend and here it is, with a little bit of editing. I enjoyed reading this piece which aptly describes me and my feeling. Please enjoy it.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

I can choose to read or play on the computer until the wee hours in the morning and sleep until noon. I can dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of joget or dondang sayang or the tunes of the 60s and 70s. And if at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.....I will!!!!!

I will walk the beach in tight suit stretched over a bulging body and I will jump into the waves screaming with abandon, if I choose, in spite of amused and pitying glances from the young onlookers. They too will get old!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgetten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or even a beloved cat gets hit by the car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to live long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn gray.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I have earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying what will be. I am free to be ME.


I am not counting the years I have lived so far but the memories that I have and the blessings I have enjoyed.
May all of you have happy and memorable birthdays too.