Goodbye Raisa

Raisa's grave under a shady part of my flower garden.











15 June 2010, we bade goodbye to Raisa. She has been Izrin's girl for almost 20 years and Izrin was devoted to her. Even at the last moment he still insisted the vet to order through internet her RM100 medication for her kidney failure.
2 days before her death, I found Raisa wondering on the road in front of my house and was almost hit by a car. At her last few days she has turned deaf and blind and was skin and bone. Ika rushed down to carry her back to the house. We suspected she was looking for a lonely spot to die. From then on, we decided to put her at at our back section of the house with Mok and closed the door so that she couldn't wonder around anymore. On Wednesday, when I checked her she was lying down under a table. Izrin forced feed her no matter how late it was when he came back from work.
By the evening, I found her dead. Ika called Izrin who immediately rushed back and was so distraught. With Haidi, he buried her at my flower bed - my former fish pond. Today I bought 2 African daisy plants to plant at her grave. Izrin visited her grave before and after work.
Thank you Raisa for the wonderful time you gave us as a family. We will always remember you for your independence and intelligence.
Now I am so worried over Mok who is suffering the same kidney problem and has lost weight. His hair is not as lustious as before and he eats very little. I don't know how I will take it if he suffers like Raisa. This is so heartbreaking. Mok, please get well. Love you sooooo much.

Blog Block

It's quite a while since I logged in my blog. There were so many things to write and share but I didn't seem to have the mood to punch in the computer. It's 4.30 am now, I can't sleep. Jen came knocking on my door late at night, looking for Raisa who was hiding under my table in my room. Raisa is in critical stage of her sickness and most time hides herself in dark places. The vet said this is not a good sign. I know Jen will be devastated if Raisa dies.
I came back from PD today after spending time at my apartment for 4 days. I missed Rania tremendously and so looked forward to be in PJ again. I suffer from Grandma fever syndrome and I don't think I can heal from it. At 8 weeks old, Nia's look has changed and she looks a bit more Malay now. Looking after Nia full time exhausts Ika who finds herself tied down to the house and to the baby. I can understand how she feels and try to help by taking care of Rania at night once in a while so that she can have undisturbed sleep and regain her strength. I think Ika is slowly accepting motherhood though she complains that I never told her how hard being a mother is. She doesn't know it yet, there is more to motherhood than just having a baby - baby grows-up!
The last visit to my eye doctor was quite positive. My eye pressure was comfortably down and surgery was put on hold. I hope the third eye drop will prove helpful in keeping the pressure down. I am not too keen on surgery and the risk is 50-50. I am crossing my finger for the best.
Thank you UIA dor the PRS Seminar, my apology to Wan of UiTM Segamat for declining the invitation to conduct workshop and thank you to G of KUIS for the invitation as a panel discussion, thank you also for Sheila Menon for wanting to keep me as an examiner for Hypnosis course. At this moment, I am on 'semi-retirement' from professional activities and will get back to it when my emotional tie with Rania eases a little bit.

Part time gardener

The garden in my old house looks more presentable now. Spending most of my time there helping taking care of my daughter and my grand daughter gave me the opportunity to work on the neglected garden whenever I have free time. It was hard work, no doubt. Rose, my Menard beautician friend complained that my complexion is darker and so are my arms. I was so focused to rehabilitate the garden that I disregarded the strong sun. Unfortunately, the heat, the tiredness and the lifting of pots presented me with another problem. My body ached and my eye pressure increased. And I sprained my right wrist. It didn't bother me much at first but as the days went by I found it painful even to hold Rania. Initially I thought I might have arthritis but on checking with a doctor at PD Pusat Kesihatan, she suspected it was just a sprain muscles. With some urut, it was OK after 2 weeks.

In spite of aching back, I felt satisfied to see the garden changing face and I spent some time going back and forth to Sg. Buloh buying bags of soils and plants. The gardening became my regular exercise - walking up and down, squatting, digging, pulling, carrying pots, sweeping and repotting my old bougainvillea plants. No wonder I am so tan!









When Rania came home, everything was at a stand still. I found myself indoors gazing and adoring her and at the same time became a cook - what a boring job! Since Ika is breastfeeding her baby, she has to eat good food for the baby. Fortnightly, I would take time off and drove back to PD to check on my plants in the apartment and enjoyed a well-deserved rest.

Being away from Rania is a new experience for me. I seemed to hear her baby cry just anywhere I go and my heartstrings pulled me back to her every time. I just miss her!! I enjoy seeing her development everyday and love kissing her chubby cheeks.







I still have a lot of work on my garden but hope Ika, Justin and Jen will help to maintain it when I am not around - at least watering the plants once a day. I do worry when I am not around whether Ika has time to water my plants. I doubt whether Izrin or Justin would have time or interest to do it. It would make feel so down if I see my garden goes back to be so unkempt like before.

Challenges of being a mom and a grandma

Ika learning how to bathe her baby with a little help.












Everyday I kept looking at Rania, marveling that such a beautiful bundle of joy is actually my grand-daughter. I think Ika is also in shock looking at Rania, not believing that she is actually hers. We examined her facial features and identify which ones look like her and which look like Justin. She complaints that Rania looks more like her father than her whereas she is the one who had to carry her over 9 months. As the days passed, Rania's looks changed too and she is going to change more as she grows. That's the wonder of babies created by God. At 2 weeks old, she has already established her presence in the family.

Since we brought Rania home, Raisa has been very curious, sniffing at her feet and head. Raisa also seemed to demand Ika's attention, wanting to sit on her lap. Ika has been her carer and I think she became possessive. But for gentle Raisa, she didn't turn nasty but just watched as everyone fussed over Rania. My Mok just couldn't care less who Rania is. He is so secured and doesn't even bother to look at her. But for the first time today, Mok showed interest on Rania when she cried. He inched nearer wondering who this noisy creature is. After a while he turned up his nose and sauntered off. That's my Mok. Like Garfiled, his motto is 'Love me, feed me and don't leave me' and he will be a happy cat!

I am worried over my daughter. Since giving birth she threw herself into panick many times, blaming herself for not being able to breastfeed her baby well. She despairs so easily when Rania cries especially in the evening and said many times 'I can't do this'. Her mind works over time worrying over 'what ifs ' especially when she knows that she has to cope by herself when the confinement period is over. I am going back to PD to get back my life and peace and will be back from time to time. No amount of talking eased her mind. That's the reason why parents cannot counsel their children. I tend to tell her what to do and what not to do. So younger sister, Maz, who is devoted to her older sister, gave her a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ears to listen without judgment. Maz cried when she told me that she is worried about Ika's state of mind. Oh God, this oldest daughter of mine is quite emotional. I told her to go out with Justin tomorrow and I'll take care of baby Rania with a reminder that both mom and dad not to call home. Ill call if Ineed them. I hope, she will calm down and realize that her world is not over when she has a baby.

I hope this worrier daughter of mine will be alright soon and enjoy her baby. She will learn how to schedule her time around Rania and balance her life, insyaallah. Ika, I love you and you will manage, I know. You see, you have my blood running in your body!

Announcement

Rania on Monday 19 April 2010 at Pantai Hospital, 3 days old and starting to be adoringly alert.



















Rania on Sunday,18 April at 1.30 pm, looking adoringly at her mom. She is 2 days and 6 hours old.















15 minutes old Rania Roseworn.















Sleepy head Rania at 9 hours old.











Friday 16 April 2010. I got up before Subuh azan. The usual ritual started a bit early today. I checked on Mok and Raisa, add more food and water, clean their toilet trays and combed Mok's hair which has improved tremendously. The fungus has disappeared and his hair doesn't fall off so much now. After Subuh prayer, another task to be done for I didn't know how long I would be away. So watering the plants in early morning was necessary. Since staying a bit longer in PJ house, I have spent so much time, energy and money trying to rehabilitate my neglected garden.

By 7.00 am I was at the car park at Pantai Hospital, Bangsar and I received SMS from Justin saying 'it's happening now'. My heart stopped a bit and I rushed up to the delivery unit and heard Ika's effort pushing the baby out of her belly. I felt weak. The nurse led me to the waiting room where I prayed silently for Ika and baby to be OK. I was really a nervous wreck at that moment and hope I would get used to it in case I have more grandchildren. Then I heard a feminine wail of a baby and I know that was my granddaughter! Justin came in sweating and excited requesting me to see my first grandchild, clean and bundled nicely in a baby cot. I congratulated, hugged and kissed him with tears in my eyes knowing my lovely daughter and her baby were OK.

Rania Roseworn gracefully announced her arrival into the world at about 7.30 am Friday morning, 16 April 2010 with series of yells. There is no denying, I fell in love with her instantly. Weighing 3.05kg, she looks so much of Justin and Ika blended into one. Holding her hand, her little fingers curled loosely and there I know that she has wrapped her tiny fingers around my heart permanently. Rania, you are going to be my sunshine, my beautiful one. Move over Mok and Raisa, you are being demoted!!!

I don't know how I would be as a grandmother. Many of my friends who are grandmothers themselves said that the feeling and the attitude towards a grandchild are different from your own children. I'll know soon enough. I thank Allah for allowing me to see my granddaughter and I pray that I''l be given time to see and enjoy more in future. When I returned home that night, I prayed sunat syukur. Now baby and mother are still in hospital and Justin has been there by Ika's side all the while. Thank you Justin for devotedly caring for my daughter. May Allah bless you, Ika and baby Rania with much happiness and wealth.

My sincere thanks to my old friend, Dato Dr. Hamid Arshat who took care of Ika through her pregnancy and delivery and also to the nursing staff of second floor Delivery Unit of Pantai Hospital, Bangsar. May God bless you all.

Update on Mok and Raisa

Mok (right) and Raisa (left) sleeping on mybed.










Today, I felt so devastated. Dr. Siti of UPM vetenary clinic called to discuss Mok's blood test done last week. Mok is having kidney trouble as well though not as critical as Raisa's. I felt like half of my world collapsed. I just don't want to see my Mok suffers as Raisa does. He is so precious, so angelic and adorable to suffer such a destructive disease. We saw how Raisa suffers - to the vet twice a week for dialysis and once every two monts for blood test. She has a hard life but inspite of that she is such a good girl. Dr. Netto commented, Raisa is his best patient who didn't struggle when the needle is poked in her thin body. She just buried her head at Izrin's stomach and whimper a bit. Then at home she is in a daze and looks miserable until the effect of the medicine wears off. We felt so helpless. Both Raisa and Mok are perfect house cats and their presence is so therapeutic to us. They have given us so much delight over the years but we can't fight old age.

I just can't believe Mok is in trouble. In cat's years, Mok and I are of the same age, he is 14 but looks young and oh so good-looking. I took him to UPM vet clinic on Dr. Netto's advice to check his blood. At the clinic, Mok was a star. The vet interns there cooed on him, taking photographs, held and cuddle him. Being such a docile cat, Mok did't even whimper but basked in the glory of the attention. He has some skin trouble that results in falling hair. Mok has fungus on his skin. After the 20 questions, Dr. Netto gave me a medicated shampoo to be applied as prescribed. Poor Mok, he has to be shampooed every week. Dr. Netto suspected that the fungus he gets is the result of grooming since I took him for grooming about once a month. The groomer, I guess, didn't keep the combs etc sterilized. I hope no other cats get Mok's fungus if they go for grooming. There is no conclusive evidence but Mok doesn't mix around with other cats around the neighbourhood. He stays at home and around the compund all the time - too lazy and timid to venture out.
I am really upset.
Mok, please get well and I love you to death.

Najidah

Najidah came to visit me yesterday after quite a long silence. When I was in Dubai, I received news that she was involved in an accident with a lorry and she was on a motorbike. It was a hit and run case but fortunately, she managed to get the lorry number and the hit was witnessed by a few people. I was shocked and upset at the news. I remember while she and I were in Unimas, I used to tell her to quit riding motorbike. I have some kind of phobia with motorbike riding. When Izrin was using a motorbike, my heart was always in my mouth, fearing of the danger of riding a motorbike in KL. He was involved in an accident once and I almost fainted hearing the news. When he decided to get rid of the motorbike and bought a small car, I was overjoyed.
Please don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with motorbike but the road, the car, bus, lorry drivers and motorbike riders are frightening. My hair stood on ends many times when motorbikers weaved in and out in the traffic.
I hope this time Najidah really quits riding a motorbike and takes her car even though the place she wants to go is near. But this doesn't mean driving a car can shield you from accident but it's a lot safer than a motorbike. You will never know when accident could happen. For those who have no choice but to travel to work or anywhere by bike, please take care. Get a strong helmet, not the one just for show so that you seem to follow the law. Compulsory helmet is to protect you and not just to make you compliance.
She has to go for restorative dental care due to the accident which affected her mouth and teeth. It must be painful when chewing food and when talking. I hope she is strong enough to handle the challenges she faced in her personal and professional life.
To my other students, please be careful even while driving a car. I am a slow driver driving on the left lane most time but I always get horned by impatient bus, lorry and car drivers. Where do they want me to go? Such is a hassle driving in Malaysia - too many impatient and rude drivers. Some are not fit to be on the road as they think the road belongs to them alone.
Najidah, get well soon.