Cancer devastated my life

I don't have cancer. My beloved second daughter was diagnosed a 4th stage ovarian cancer on 24th May 2014. My world collapsed. My body shook and cold sweat wet my palms. How can it be? She is active, taking care of herself and doing well in her job and has no symptoms (or maybe she didn't realize it). Her surgery was scheduled on 30th May. By this time she has experienced pain in her stomach. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and tears poured down easily. Everybody told me to be strong. How can I when my heart is breaking and aching and I am frightened, frightened of losing my child to cancer. This is what real pain is. It's painful, painful oh so painful!!!!I wish I could trade my life with her. But it was a reality that I have to face.
I began to suffer painful flashback. In 1960 I saw my  mother collapsed on the doorstep when she came bringing some medicine for her dying son who suffered brain tumour. She grieved for a long time and no one seemed to understand her, including me. I felt bad and guilty.  I was frightened and angry.
I called Sheila asking for help to do hypnosis for my daughter and I. It helped. I got a grip on myself and braced myself for her surgery. Maz was calm and I am proud to see her handling her shock, despair and fear as something she has to face. Thank you Sheila, you helped both us to face the reality and be brave.
Most of all, I am much indebted to her friends, Fardan especially, and Aznul, who stood by and helped her to get through this difficult time. They gave Maz their full attention, time and money to find the best doctors and the best medical advice they could get. Fardan was more than a friend  He was like my son whom we leaned on. We didn't know what was the best action. We were confused, grief-stricken and helpless. Maz was taken to get the best cancer specialists' advice in the country before  she agreed to do the surgery in Pantai Hospital, Bangsar. I am indebted to all her devoted friends for their kind support and help. In my prayer, I ask Allah to bless them and to murahkan rezeki and to give them good health, insyallah. I began to admire my daughter. She must be a very nice individual herself to get so many caring friends around her. I am proud of her.
Her cancer was extensive. She has cancer on her stomach, ovaries and her liver. It was a major surgery. I died several times while waiting, The surgery was successful but the cancer in her liver cannot be removed. She was put in ICU for 3 days. While this life catastrophe hit my family and I was in turmoil, where was her father, you might ask. Well, he was holidaying in US with bis wife and flew back for her surgery but immediately left to join his wife there again while his daughter was battling with life and death in ICU. I was enraged and disgusted. I could never do that and I would cancel my holiday to be with my daughter whether she approves or not. That's what a mother is - never abandon their children. Of course he shed the same crocodile tears as before. The bottom line is, he doesn't really care and has superficial love. This father has no 'b****'. How could he leave when his daughter was still not stable just because his wife was left alone in US that he has to crawl there to join her? Why can't he ask her to come back and he be there to support and console his daughter in her time of need? Is his daughter is so insignificant that he has the heart to leave her immediately after such a major surgery? Even animals know how to show love and compassion by standing by their young. I felt like puking thinking of this hypocrisy. Life would be better if he doesn't exist in this world!
On second thought, I am glad I am there with my daughter alone as I have promised her that I would be there with her, no matter what.    
Alhamdulillah, she is OK now and will focus on the next step - her treatment. Please pray for her.

Handicraft for visually impaired

My tutorial session with En. Fazlin of MAB was postponed. He had a class of 5 young people who are visually impaired and need the training more urgently.  So I hope in June I can make a private tutoring sessions with him to master the computer and iPhone. Since I an not using my laptop so often now and do less reading and watching TV, I have to find something to keep me busy. My search through internet suggests decoupage.

Decoupage class at Craft Heavens 240414

The ladies proudly showing off their decoupage bags. I am the shorty in the group.

My colourful decoupage tote, my first masterpiece.. 240414

My second decoupage tote.

I enrolled myself in a decoupage class at Craft Heavens and learn the techniques under close supervision from Suni, the instructor. I was as proud as a peacock to see the result, my first masterpiece. The second attempt was not as good because my technique is still weak. It is meant to be a present to someone who has helped me in many ways. I just hope my weak technique will not be so noticeable. I really noticed the weakness in my eyesight. With weak eyesight cutting decoupage papers is a big problem but as a friend said I can always ask for help, which I am not too keen to do.

The water-transfer decoupage on water bottle.

Water bottle decoupage

Recycle olive oil bottle decorated with crayon and silver glitters. Good for vase.

Sister-in-law, Juriah taught me how to do water-transfer decoupage and using crayon to decorate recycle bottles. Though these activities do not really strain my eyes, I have an acute realization that it would be difficult for me to continue if I lose my sight. But for now my time is fruitfully occupied.

Painted recycle glass bottle using shading technique.

When I was young, I was always interested in handicraft. In secondary school, I have a teacher who taught me how to knit and to understand the instruction from knitting books. In Form 3, I knitted my own cardigan and top.  I did crochet too and crochet dresses and matching caps for my two daughters. Tatting, cross- stitch, quilting and embroidery occupied my time beside studying. Unfortunately, in my condition now, it's not possible to do these again.

Glass painting, class work

Glass painting on recycle bottles.

Gold outlined glass bottle paintings.

glass painting on medium size Acai berry juice bottle.

I always believe to recycle things rather than throwing them away. I take organic bilberry juice regularly and the bottles are nice. So I took up an hour course on glass painting at Creative Cottage. I found that I like doing glass painting more. Olive oil bottles, juice bottles and many other nice looking bottles will find it with new paintings. I hope I can sell them at the mosque shop and the money will go  into the mosque kitty to help the unfortunates. I just pray I can continue to do this for a long time more and that my sight does not let me down.  

Painted toilet rolls to put electrical wires.

 The wires of many electrical gadgets in the house such as hair dryer, hand phone, rice cooker etc etc result in messy wires. To keep the wires tidy and easy to find, I painted the inside of toilet paper and keep different wires in separate rolls. It makes my life a bit easier.
Sight is very important. Without it, life is handicapped. Take good care of your eyes.

Birthday Boy and Girl 2014

Gabe turned  2 on 24 March 2014 and Rania is 4 years old on 16 April 2014. The birthday parties for both grandchildren are small and quietly involved family members only. Gabe had a bigger crowd of relatives as he has more uncles and aunties and cousins to dote on him, While Rania has only an uncle and an auntie on his mother's side and a nenek. she has more uncles and aunties on his dad's side but they are in Australia. But the parties went on and the birthday kids were just as happy especially when opening their birthday presents.

Gabe wearing his birthday cap at his birthday party 230314

It's Gabe's birthday but his cousins were busy blowing his birthday candles.

Blow kids blow. Gabe with cousins Delia and Rania 230314

Gabe was fascinated with the little cars which rolled down the tiny ram.

Birthday boy, Gabe with parents, Kak Rania and Nenek.

Rania wearin the eye mask at Gabe's birthday

The birthday boy received  cars after cars - tiny, big and bigger while Rania received the girlie things like Queen Lisa's attire with tiara and all, sleeping baby, microphone. She has a grand time belting 'Let it Go' of Frozen using the microphone. We wondered whether she's going to be a singer or gets herself involved in performing arts. While Gabe, we think, would get himself into cars like racing. His father is aiming to introduce him to go-kart when he is a bit bigger.

Rania singin 'Let It Go' with audience Gabe 200414

Rania singing accompanied by her guitar. 200414

Rania got a loving birthday hug from Misha at her school birthday party. 160414 

Rania with class friends, Misha and Ian celebrating Rania's 4th birthday. 160414

The birthday girls, Rania admiring her Frozen birthday cake. 200414

cousins

Rania had 2 parties - one in her school on the 16 April, her real 4th birthday and the other on Sunday, 20 April for the family.

Kak Rania taking care of Gabe at Aquaria 240314

Geli hati. Rania tried to figure out what Pak Su is doing. 240314

While Gabe had his birthday party on 23 March but spent his actual birthday visiting Aquaria with his parents, Nenek and Kak Rania, the next day
I am so proud of my grandchildren. They are my life, bringing me much joy and happiness. I hope to have much more joy in the future with them and see them grow up to be fine boy and girl. Insyaallah.
Love you much much Rania and Gabe. You must know that wherever I go you two are permanently engraved  in my heart.

Rania doing the bridge at her gymnastic class watched by her instructor. 

At gymnastic class with Ira, her classmate.

Rania at Hot Baloon Fair in Putrajaya

Rania is a busy little missie now. Every Sunday she attends gymnastic class and seems to enjoy it. Weekends mean outing with her parents. The same thing with Gabe. He is weaning himself out from clinging to his parents and soon he will be independent, doing his own thing. I love to see him smile and laugh. His deep dimples make him look so adorable. 

Dialogue In the Dark

Thank you Stevens, the president of Glaucoma Society, for encouraging me to visit the Dialogue in the Dark at Petrosains in Suria KL on 7 May 2014 which ends at the end of May. It was a really humbling experience for me to go through a simulation exercise on how living in the dark is like. It was frightening at first but I gradually gained confidence to feel, to hear to taste, to smell and to get used to the darkness. That was what it would be like if I lose my sight due to advanced glaucoma. Though I harbour some fear in the deep of my heart, I feel it's not hopeless at all. Thank you Nawal for taking me through the process and thank you Michell for sharing with me on how glaucoma took away your sight 8 years ago and how you coped with it. I had tears in my eyes interacting with all of you  who give me so much courage and hope.
I learned that I am not so in tune with using my sense of feeling and hearing in solid darkness but it thrilled me to be able to identify certain things in the short dark journey. The white cane helped me to avoid hindrances and to take me to Nawal's voice. No matter how independent a visually handicapped person is, he/she still needs some degree of help from others and knowing how/what to help is important for sighted people to learn.
From newspaper report, I read that Stevens is working hard to bring into Malaysia guide dogs for visually impaired people. I applaud this effort and I will be interested to have one if the time comes but hope it would be within my means. These are working dogs with specific duties and they are trained and committed to the jobs they are supposed to do. I hope Malaysian government and Malaysians are open-minded and educated enough to accept their presence in different places. Please do not use religion as an excuse for small-minded attitude.
Personally, I would really encourage the public to visit Dialogue in the Dark, especially my children who don't seem to fully comprehend the situation I am in.
May Allah grants me my prayer for many more years of sighted life.  

Visually impaired

Today I started attending a short tutorial session with a tutor, En. Fadzlin of the Malaysian Association for the Blind in Brickfields. Thank you En. Silatrurrahim for your kind attention and help in arranging this session as I need to learn the intricacies of using iPhone and computer for the visually impaired. I am full of admiration on how deft their fingers are at typing, touching, scrolling and searching what they want from their computer programs.
My relationship with MAB is quite recent but the people I have in contact with were marvelous. Pn. Sumitha, a glaucoma victim, is the Principal shared a lot of eye-opening experience of what the visually impaired people need. The few visually impaired people I talked to told me that I am lucky that my sight is taken away gradually and that now I can still drive and do my own things. En. Mano lost his sight after 3 months of glaucoma after a car accident. A delightful, smiling young man, Jason, who lost his sight at the age of 17, due to brain tumor is most encouraging. Now 23, he is a second year law student at a local college, shared with me that he had difficulty in accepting his condition at first but adjusted his life well and has a goal to achieve. Most of his friends have girl-friends but he has not. Though he didn't sound despondent, he must be feeling something. So we talked about the time he would qualify as a lawyer, earning his own living, independent and the girls will be there for him, blind or not. He just needs to focus now and insyallah, thing will fall into place. Furthermore, he is a good-looking young man. He thinks I don't need to learn braille as I am not sitting for exam and that  many reading materials that I would need could be downloaded with voice over. At my age, I should avoid stress - a wise advice.
My tutor, En. Fadzlin, lost his sight at the age of 13, was able to finish his STPM, gained various working experiences before settling in teaching in MAB. He also shared stories of his young days as a student in school when blind students did not receive the attention they should receive. It didn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do. Now with 2 growing sighted daughters, they receive the guidance and support from their blind father. I suppose they are lucky compared to many children with sighted parents who neglected their children.
Talking to these few strengthened my belief that universities should accept blind students in counselling course and in many courses offered. There is a dire need for visually impaired counsellors to deal with issues experiencing by the visually impaired people. Only a visually impaired counsellor could understand their true feeling and emotion as they live in that world. I can understand their feelings but I know I wouldn't be able to put myself in their shoes and really internalize exactly their feeling, emotion and experience. I hope the power that be in the government and Ministry of Education is open enough to realize this and give the OKU the opportunities they deserve. Many of them are intelligent and can go far if given the attention and opportunities as normal individuals. Once they are in higher institutions of higher learning, they should be confident enough to let their lecturers or instructors know about their handicap and not just sit back and hope everyone understands and supports them. Lecturers are human beings, they can't read what you need, unless you tell them, not for sympathy but to present your case. I made mistake too for not knowing that a student was hearing impaired until way into the semester when his friend told me so. I was sorry for being hard on him but displeased he didn't come up to tell me. After that his seat was right in front of me. I suppose fear of strict lecturer and shame stopped him from coming forward. I believe there are many disabled people could excel if given the same opportunities as sighted people.
I hope universities and Ministry of Education do not give the same aged-old excuses such as, not accessible, not equipped, not capable, not ready, no facilities, no budget etc. etc. etc. All these excuses can be overcome almost immediately. Have a heart!!
I have 4 more sessions to attend and many more new experiences to come.
  

A sad black history

I just had no mood to write new posts in my Blogs with so much depressing news around. I am glad I deleted my Facebook. I didn't get to read all the stupid, judgmental, biased and insensitive comments from some brainless morons. I am talking about the disappearance of MH370. I have a friend travelling in that flight. I was shocked and sad. I got disgusted hearing all the accusations, berated comments and unfounded theories. I hate to watch TV reports from foreign channels, especially CNN, with their biased and exaggerated reporting. Whatever little respect I had for Anuar Ibrahim, it went into a sewage when he talked to CNN bringing politics into the sad tragedy. What a cheap tactic!
Above all I am disgusted with people who used verses from the Quran to justify their comments. What hypocrisy! They were doing exactly what Islam forbids - gossip, fitnah, jatuhkan maruah orang, spreading rumours, as if they are Gods. And there are also the so called Malaysians who berated their own country and people, just because the Pilot and Co-pilot are Malays. They accuse the Malays as racists but these people are not only the worse racists but also traitors. If a foreign power attacks Malaysia, without hesitation, they will turn against Malaysia and assist the enemies to invade this beloved country of mine. They include some Malays yang tak sedar diri who are willing to sell their souls and land for their own selfish ends. These are the kinds of people Malaysia has. Patriotic feeling seems absent, deep sense of sympathy and support seem sadly lacking.
I feel sorry for the families of the Pilot and Co Pilot who read the unkind accusations from heartless individuals and from insensitive reporting. I pray they have the strength and feel proud of their father/husband/son/fiancee. Alfatihah,..
For my friend's family, I pray they face this tragedy with much strength and faith in Allah. Alfatihah to all.
To the helpers (counsellors, MAS and airport staff and other officers who take care of the families of the passengers) I hope they also have the strength in facing the challenges in dealing with people experiencing trauma. Sometimes in disaster like this, the helpers will get affected and need help themselves. There is nothing wrong with seeking psychological help if needed. Thank you and May Allah bless you all. I am sure a few of them are my former students.  
May Allah shows the way and helps to dispel the mystery surrounding the disappearance of MH370. Please stop spreading unfounded stories and personal opinions.

My glaucoma journey

Since 2003 when I was diagnosed having advanced close-angled glaucoma, my journey as a glaucoma sufferer is like a roller-coaster. My hope goes up and down depending on the result of my checkup. I felt good and confidence when I last saw my specialist. Looking at my visual field test she finds that my sight is not as bad as it looks by examination. My eye pressure was good and stable. But, last week when I went for check up again at the hospital, the glimmer of hope that I experienced evaporated when I was told that my eye pressure was higher that it should be. Again, the doctor talks about surgery which I am hoping it will not come to that. I am on maximum dose of eye drops (4) which I faithfully adhere to doctor's instruction. I know my sight is deteriorating, I can feel it.
I have done what I can and what I was advised to. I am also on homeopathy treatment and the doctor told me that my sight will not betray me as my nerve is still strong. I pray it's true. I am not asking for perfect vision which is impossible but please God let me be able to drive (at least short distance), read and enjoy the beauty around me. I wish to explore all the islands in Malaysia solo and write a book on the experience. My publisher would be happy to hear this. They have given up hope of publishing another book from me. I have checked out from writing books. But the wish to write a book is still burning inside me. I hope my eyes can take it.
I remember some time ago, I felt so hopeless about my sight and I was in great despair. I guess I got used to the highs and the lows of my situation. I don't despair and cry anymore. I suppose that is what acceptance is all about. I am calmer. My head is still full of plans of what I want to do.
I shall travel as usual. I want to see the cherry blossoms in full bloom in Korea and watch cormorant birds fishing in Li River, Guilin, trek the Silk Road route, and other places whenever I have the opportunity to go. Insyallah.

Banda Acheh

It's almost 10 years since tsunami devastated this country. I visited Banda Acheh with a small group of retired people, organised by Izan of AIZ Event Management for 4 days on 14-17 Jan 2014. BA has almost returned to normal with little traces of destruction brought by tsunami and earthquake on 26 Dec 2004. But everyone there seems has a story to tell about their experiences  and their loss. The photos of the catastrophy at the museums and at the mosques  could tear your heart away. Banda Acheh and the surrounding areas were like ' padang jarak padang tekukur' after tsunami hit.

Masjid Baiturrahim in Uleelheue, Banda Acheh, still under restoration.

The architectural design of Masjid Baiturrahim which is very near the sea in Ulee Lheue, Banda Acheh withstood the onslaught of tsunami and left it almost intact. It had saved many lives during the disaster. It is being restored but part of it is left as it is to remind people of the clamity.

Pristine beaches and calm sea at Acheh's beach.

The beaches and the sea are beautiful. White sand beach runs for mile and the sea is blue and calm, hiding the historical wrath of tsunami in 2004. Acheh is a beautiful country.
The Tsunami museum is impressive and informative, telling a lot of sad stories of the event. It opens the eyes of the people and the government to be alert of impending threats of tsunami, earthquack, landslides etc.  Escape buildings are built near the seaside area for nearby villagers to save their lives in case of such disaster happens again.
90% of Acheh population is Muslims and quite devout. It is advisable for Muslims to wear proper attire and women to cover their heads. It was no problem for me. Since Acheh still needs help to recover from the tsunami, donations are welcome in many places such as the mosques, tsunami landmarks, orphanage, mass graves etc. So it is a good idea to bring small denomination either in Indonesian Rupiah or Malaysian Ringgit for this purpose.

Siron Mass burial site. The green field ground is where 46,718 people were buried after the aftermath of tsunami.  

It is sad to visit the mass burial site at Siron where 46,718 people were buried in mass. There are many more mass burial sites like this and many still experience no closure where they couldn't find their love ones.
The Achenese are warm and friendly people.  There are no beggers, either adults or children who bug you everywhere you go.

At top deck of PLTD Apung weighing 2,600 tons transported by tsunami 5km into a village from where it was anchored. 

It's cheap to go to Banda Acheh and it takes only 1 hour 25 minutes flight from KL.I encourage anyone who is interested to go there to experience humility and understanding of human sufferings.

Selamat Tahun Baru 2014

2013 was a good year for me, alhamdulillah. I hope 2014 will also be kind to me and let me get on with life with .little hassle. 2014 opens with a little glimmer of hope for my eyes. My eye specialist told me that my visual field test showed that my glaucoma damage is not as bad as it looks with naked eyes. She's hopeful that my glaucoma doesn't progress to further deterioration and said I can still drive with care as I am doing now. My attempt to slow down the damage include homoepathy treatment with Dr. Mohammad in Kuching and taking organic bilberry juice which Maz bought from Mahnaz Food in Section 22, Shah Alam. On top of that I faithfully take vegetable juice which include spinach, carrot and beetroot, 2 or 3 times a week. So far I have not been careless about using the three eye drops prescribed for me. I just pray, Allah desn't take away my total sight yet and  give me time to enjoy most of the spectacular beauty He has created.

Rania in her new school uniform. 060114

Demure Rania welcoming the New Year.

Rania with adorable cousin Gabe.

Gorgeous Rania

On 6 January 2014, Rania went to a new playschool not far the house. Like any other children she is adjusting to new friends, teachers and environment and cried a bit for a day or two but she gets adjusted so fast as she has such lovely nature and smiling face.

Gabe knows no fear. Silverleaf monkeys are his friends. 311213

Haidi kena pujuk Nia tapi Gabe pakai rempuh je kat silverleaf tu.  

Rania berkepit dengan Pak Su, takut kat silverleaf monkeys.

Rania tak mahu pergi dekat silverleaf monkeys.

On 31 Dec 2013, Rania and Gabe went to Bukit Melawati to get acquinted with the silverleaf monkeys. Like in Kuala Gandah, Rania just enjoyed looking from far but Gabe was so curious he wanted to go, play and touch without any fear. Haidi's parents had to restrain him but he struggled. The silverleaf monkeys are gentle and non- aggressive. They are beautiful but overwhelming for Rania.

Battle of the Shades - Rania and Gabe with fashionable sunglasses. 311213

I promised Rania that she can sleep with me every Thursday night. Since both  her parents work late, sleeping on my bed has become a treat. A ritual has been established and it goes like this:
Selamat malam nenek
Jumpa esok
Mimpi manis
Nenek sayang Nia
Nia sayang nenek
Alfatihah...

and normally she sleeps so soundly until subuh. When she gets up, she will whisper in my ears ' Selamat pagi nenek'. Rania is priceless.
So welcome 2014 and please be good.