Mok again

Yesterday was quite a devastating day for me. I was in despair. Izrin told me that Mok might be blind. Ika noticed that Mok was not able to blink or close his left eye even when sleeping. I was shocked as he was perfect when I last saw him. Dr. Netto, the vet, asked a lot of questions which I answered 'normal', even to the question whether he had any hard knock on the head. He suspected Mok may have glaucoma! I almost fell out of my chair with surprise - I am the one having glaucoma, why Mok??? He wrote a letter referring Mok to UPM animal clinic for further checkup.

In the car to UPM, I recalled that Ika thought he knocked Mok while reversing her car but the vet in PD, proclaimed him OK. I guess, this is an after-effect of the accident. Dr. Chan of UPM diagnosed a grim picture. The nerves on the left side of his face are affected and he was numbed around the left eye and face. He has to be on medication for life. She requested that we paid close attention to his behaviour for fear of other problems. Later, Ika SMS me that she noticed Mok would struggle to get up and wobbled sideways when walking. Oh God, that reminds me of stroke patients when I was working with NASAM.

I remember another beloved cat of ours, Muffin Senior, as beautiful and lovable as Mok, hit his head on a running car in a rush to come home. His eyes hang out and he was in great pain but we wanted to save him. The vet did a major operation on him and we didn't mind a blind cat as long as he lived. But unfortunately he died due to severe injury. Out hearts broke and for some time we refused to have pets but cats are our weakness. We started adopting again and later Mok was born.

I faced a number of challenges in preparing for this Haj. I maybe leaving with a heavy heart but I know Mok is in good hands with Ika and Izrin caring for him. Ika was really upset and I don't want her to be so, in her condition now.

I have cleared a number of issues before leaving though some hearts were hurt through my harsh words. I don't mince words when it comes to something that I feel not right. Forgiveness comes from the heart and I have done so. As far as I am concerned, I have voiced my displeasure and if someone gets hurt, that's too bad. I have forgotten and forgiven and my life goes on as usual. I don't waste my time and energy keeping grudges. If anybody bears grudges, that's not my problem. They have to deal with it. So, issues with FSKPM, Haj package, bounced cheque, family day and book publishing are cleared and I am happy with the outcome.

I know there are some more challenges I am going to face while doing my Haj. That would be huge tests for my patience and tolerance which are low and my great weaknesses. Ya Allah berilah aku kesabaran menempuh dugaanMU semasa menunaikan Haji. Sharipah and I have a pack, that we are going to remind ourselves over and over again and focus only to Haj, insyaallah. Being seniors, with a number of ailments, we are armed with medications and supplements. It really tickles me to think the great difference when performing Haj when I was in my thirties with the present. I guess everyone will go through this.

Ya Allah, please help me and my friends, Sharipah, Sofiah and Omar performing our Haj and grant us Haji Mabrur and allow us to come back to our families safely on 28 Dec 2009.

Preparation for Haj 2009

Syukur alhamdullillah my wish to perform Haj for the second time was granted by the grace of Allah. Since 2006, Sharipah and I attempted to request to perform our Haj from Tabung Haji but was not successful. In 2007, we were so eager to go with Dr.Napsiah and Prof Yusof and had collected our hand-carry bag, telekong and other gifts from Tabung Haji. They were so positive that we would get the extra quota for Malaysians that year. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually we were prepared but later Tabung Haji apologized and informed us we failed to get a place because there was no extra quota given. Of course we were greatly disappointed. The next year we applied again. This time early in the year we were already informed that our names were not in the list but we said it's OK, we'll keep on trying. Then, at the last minute we were offered Muassasah place by Tabung Haji but we declined. We reason that being seniors with a number of aches and pains, we need a more comfortable place to stay, sharing a room with attached bathroom, even though we have to pay more. In 2009, again we applied and faithfully attended the Haj course, Sharipah in Kuantan and I, in PD, but again our name were not in the list. By this time, we were immuned to disapointment until an old contact person persuaded us to apply through private package - TM Tours and Travel with whom we have been to Umrah several times.

At first, chances were slim as our names were still not in the list but at the last minute, they called and said we were successful. So the frantic preparation began but there was still no date of departure. Poor Ika and Justin, at the beginning I told them I might leave for Haj on 17 November and they bought return flight from Phuket after meeting Justin's friends from Ireland to be back by 14 November. So again they have to make changes to return on 13 November. I want my children to be around when I leave for Haj. It's quite unsettling when everything is so tentative but that's what Haj trip is. With 26,000 jemaah and a 10,000 last minute quota given by Saudi government, managing it must be a huge headache but TH is quite efficient in this respect.

After attending the TM briefing on Sunday 1 November, there are certain issues that need to be cleared with them which I am not happy particularly the downgrading of package with no adjustment of price. When a jemaah requested to upgrade the package, he/she has to top up the price but when he/she is being downgraded for certain reasons, no refund of difference in price is discussed, why??? In my case, the difference is quite substantial. Email stating my feeling has been sent but no satisfactory response is received. But my aim is to do my Haj in peace and will settle the issue when I return. There is no 'tak apa' or 'halal saja' here. This is a big issue to be resolved as this is not the first time a case like this happened to both of us and I don't want it to be TM management practice. I hope with the grace of Allah, the issue is resolved in good faith.

I am ready and packed but several times I have to minimize my clothes as the bag provided by TM is compact enough for 20kg allowed by the airline. This time, I am like many problematic ladies with different ailments. I have to bring a small chair with back support to the mosque to pray. I cannot sit on the floor too long due to backaches. I am asking God's help to minimize my need to go to the toilet when I am in the mosque. Imagine, with more than 3 millions people concentrating in one place, toilets will be a big problem.

Faithfully with advice, I have written my Will for execution by Amanah Raya. I've wanted to do this for quite a while and I am happy I got the chance to do it now.

To ex-students, friends and relatives, mohon ampun dan maaf segala kesilapan dan halalkan makan minum. As far as I remember I don't owe anybody money except IBS, my publisher, which I am going to clear it before I leave. If I owe money, let me know or halalkan saja sehingga I come back from Haj.

Pray for me for safe return and gain Haji Mabrur, insyaallah.

Another birthday ( 2009)

Ahhhh....another year passed by and I am getting 'wiser' by the minute. Allah is most kind and merciful to me - I am given a rich, peaceful life and good health. I am able to do what I want to do, with His Blessing, of course - thus, another birthday. I wonder sometimes how many more birthdays in good health will I have to celebrate? Only HE has the answer, meanwhile life has to go on. Syukur Alahamdullillah!


Since 1 November 09 (Sunday) was for attending Haj briefing by TM Tours and Travel in City Villa Hotel, KL, Maz arranged for the family members to have birthday lunch at Sheraton Hotel , KL on 31 Oct 09. Hazri was in PD attending a workshop, so, Ika, Justin, Maz, Izrin and Haidi were there. At 4.00 pm Jin Kim and Sharipah invited me to have high tea at One Utama. Bloated with dimsum, I wondered how I could cope with another stuffing but thanks God, Sharipah called to cancel because Jin was held up in Bentong.


At the briefing I met Sofiah Hamid and husband Omar who are in the same Haj package. I have not met nor kept in touch with them for such a long time. Sofiah used to be my best friend since university days but grew apart due to family involvement and going separate ways since we retired. Having 9 grandchildren is not a small matter and I bet she was on her toes most times though they're not living with her. Anyhow, I am still excited at the prospect of being a first-time grandma next year in April.


Thank you Amalia for taking the trouble to pay me a visit in PD and to wish me Happy birthday on Monday 2 November. Most thanks to Najidah who picked Amalia at KLIA and drove to PD to see me, with goodies. It was really good seeing Amalia again after a long time.




Najidah, I just love the birthday card you gave me and I thought it was such a brilliant idea. Your caring and love made you collect and gather all your friends' wishes for me and turned it into a beautiful card. I'll treasure it forever, kept safe in my file in Arkib Negara.



















And to all my ex-students and friends who sent messages through the card, phone calls, emails, SMS, birthday cards and YM, thank you a million times. It's nice to know that I am still in your hearts!!














I received a FWD email from a friend and here it is, with a little bit of editing. I enjoyed reading this piece which aptly describes me and my feeling. Please enjoy it.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

I can choose to read or play on the computer until the wee hours in the morning and sleep until noon. I can dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of joget or dondang sayang or the tunes of the 60s and 70s. And if at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.....I will!!!!!

I will walk the beach in tight suit stretched over a bulging body and I will jump into the waves screaming with abandon, if I choose, in spite of amused and pitying glances from the young onlookers. They too will get old!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgetten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or even a beloved cat gets hit by the car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to live long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn gray.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I have earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying what will be. I am free to be ME.


I am not counting the years I have lived so far but the memories that I have and the blessings I have enjoyed.
May all of you have happy and memorable birthdays too.