A Bizarre Incident

I am trying hard not to recall all the sad incidents that happened during Maz's illness as these will trigger  a depressed feeling in my heart. But I need to write it so that I can share with others and thus lessen my pain....I hope. 

After her surgery to remove her ovary and half of her stomach, Maz was losing weight and getting weaker. She refused to do chemotherapy. She decided to go to Healing Zone under Dr Jeya in Melaka to boost up her immune system. On 1st July 2014, I drove her to Ayer Keroh where the clinic is. I have never driven so fast in my life and all along reciting ayatul-Kursyi. We drove in silence, both busy with our own thoughts. 

My car engine ruined

The collapsed 6 feet wall

Thank God, nobody was in the surau

The innocent staff car dented

As I parked at the compound of the clinic, the nurses came out to take Maz to the treatment room. I got into my car again to re park properly. When I started the engine and push in the Reverse gear, the car jerked backward so fast suddenly. I pushed the D gear, it lunged forward, then backward again hitting a car parked at the far back. I didn't know what was happening. Then it flew forward and hit the 6 feet wall in front and the wall just crumbled down. When it was backing once again I grabbed the auto stick and said in confusion 'Ya Allah, apa ni?'  I managed to push to N gear and the car stopped. Everybody rushed out to help me. I remember bending down to take my handbag at my feet and one of the staff said 'Leave it. We will take it for you.' I was brought to the Ayurvedic section of the clinic and the psychologist came to talk to me. 

I was in shock and confused. What was happening? As I told the psychologist ' Yes, I am depressed, Yes I am sad, angry and confused but I am not mad, I am sane and I am a good driver. It wasn't me driving that car. I know my car. Why in heaven's name did I want to drive forward and backward so many times for no reason? My handbag was still at my feet, I couldn't accelerate. I didn't use my seat belt but I sat straight at my seat in spite of the great impact when it hit the wall down. By right my chest would have hit the steering wheel hard. Why was the auto stick became so stiff and I could not even shift it to P or N? All the while I was aware of what was happening but I was helpless. My car  was a wreck. The whole engine collapsed. The back dented so bad. I could die for the sheer impact but there was not even a scratch on my body. Maz was in panic when she learned about the accident. We wanted to stay at the clinic because I have no car to take Maz from the hotel to the clinic, but one of the staff there insisted that we stayed at the hotel and not at the clinic (they have rooms for patients), Of course her boss was not happy for losing a week's room rent from us. I thanked God that nobody was in jured. 

The incident became big news. The next day, the buzz was on. There have been many bizarre things happened in the clinic such as the sound of crying, people talking and, baby footsteps climbing the sauna wall, patients and staff get depressed when it's dark etc.

I made my own theory. I was in a very fragile state of mind with lots of of negative feelings, the weakest point at that time. I guess there is already a negative force around there and saw me as a potential victim to get into. It was easy to get into the mind of such a depressed, sad person and I was in such state of mind. But reciting ayatul Kursyi all the way probably saved me from being possessed I don't know, I maybe wrong, Justin, my son-in-law said it was because I accelerated unconsciously or maybe due to some mechanical failure of the car. That was his explanation.

After this incident one after another bizarre stories came out about the place which formerly  belonged to a couple of pious Indian Muslims who have passed away and the house was left unoccupied for quite a long time. 

Well, I leave this to your imagination and your theory but what happened to me was real. After this incident Maz didn't want me to drive again. She feared for my safety.

She was such a protective daughter who cared for my well-being even while she was seriously ill. 

I miss her so. I love you Maz till the end of my days.

Al-Fatihah

Life stood still for a while

The photo above was taken in May 2014, the day we were going to Pantai Hospital to find out  about her surgery,

It's 39 days since Maz, my second daughter, passing due to stomach cancer (9 March 2015). It was a long and painful 9 months struggle for her to deal with her cancer. Least to say, my family and I was devastated. For a while I was numbed. Tears swelled my eyes with the slightest memory. I could not sleep, eat and be at peace. Intrusive memory, flashbacks, regrets etc etc haunted me every second. I lost a daughter whom I depended on so much, whom I knew would take care of me but she was gone. How can that be.,....,Visiting her grave almost everyday, praying, reading the Quran, Rania and Gabe kept me sane. The pain of grieving is not over yet and I grieve alone but today I decided to put whatever in my mind into writing again. It may not describe accurately how I feel but it will help to relieve me of my sadness though tears keep flowing while typing.
Rania's 5th birthday yesterday made me decide to open the computer again and to tell my story. Believe  me, there are so much to tell and to share, hoping whoever reads my blog will understand a mother's pain of losing a child, I would like to share my experience of caring for a cancer patient who is close to her/his heart - the mistakes. the frustrations, the hopes and the endless prayers. As I told Tony, Maz's former KFC boss, I wish no parents should go through the pain of seeing their child seriously sick but that's not to be. It's God's will that some parents would go through this pain.
I owe so much to so many people especially her friends who truly cared for her. I admire my daughter for being able to sustain sincere friendship and being able to maintain it. Help came in many ways to her. My love and gratitude to Fardan who was always there to cater for Maz's requests, regardless of what and when. Aznul, her other close friend and Rok who made waiting more bearable when we took her to Al-Hidayah, Roshni who cooked for her favourite dish, and Fazlina who helped deal with her insurance issues and visited her to give her courage as she has experienced caring for her late husband who had cancer. I have not met Atikah but I want to say thank you for giving cash RM10,000.00 in her hand for her treatment, She shed tears with her head on my shoulder. There were a few other friends who contributed cash to help her get the best treatment.  To Amin, her friend and former boss, the RM100,000.00 for the projects she completed disappeared within a month to pay for her hospital bills and treatment,
We were so worried as to how to get her to Johor Baharu for her Hyperthermia treatment. Dr, Radzi's clinic there is the only clinic that offers this treatment for cancer patients in this region. She needed a place to stay where I could cook for her limited diet. Living in Hotel was not viable. Allah is so great. In our dire need, her oncologist, Dr, Radzi, offered his apartment in JB for us to stay for free. May Allah bless you Dr, Radzi. He saw that Maz's case is complicated and more critical to get the treatment. We owe you much for your dedication to help my lovely daughter and she was grateful and happy. Our transport problem to ferry her with the wheelchair to and from the clinic was taken care of by Tony who directed his driver to take us to and from the clinic every time she had treatment. Yetty, Dr. Radzi's staff and weekend maid helped me to take care of her. It was tough for me to take care of her alone especially on treatment days. The staff at Dr. Radzi's Oncology Clinic in JB was wonderful. They gave her full attention. Thank you Fiza, Cik Non, Mimi, Vinni and others for your dedication.
My most heartfelt gratitude is to Najidah who helped me since the day Maz was diagnosed with cancer. She's more a daughter to me who took care of my worries over my apartment in PD, the move back to PJ, and the heaps of households things that I hoard for years. Without her devotion to help I would be drowned. She is a savior for my sanity. My love and endless thanks to you, Najidah. May Allah bless you with good health and happiness. I remember Maz told me when Najidah came to stay at her house at weekends, she said Najidah's presence somehow calmed her down although they didn't converse much. She liked it when Najidah was around. Bless you my love. To all my former students and colleagues who contributed cash, prayers and words of courage, I thank you for your kindness. I am sorry for not being able to write down every name for fear I might leave some. Bless your kind hearts,
There are many people especially Maz's friends whom I didn't mention here such as Azlina, Melati and Maizura who were her childhood friends and others who have been so kind and helpful. Please forgive her for refusing to see all of you during her illness. She didn't want you all to pity her when you see her condition.
My daughter, Maz, must be a very nice person for being able to have so many faithful friends around her during her difficulty. I am really proud of her,
True what the old saying says " Kawan bersuka ramai, Kawan menangis kita seorang", It happened to me.
I am still struggling inside. InsyaAllah I will get over it.
Al-Fatihah.....