Tribute to old friends 2

I am in sentimental mood this last few days. My time is spent either in front of this computer, or TV or ramaging through piles of old albums. The old photos brought some beautiful memories back in my mind. Unfortunately some photos have faded and they were beyond help - the result of neglect.

Among the photos that I found is one of me on my graduation for MSc in Education in Guidance and Counselling from Indiana University in May 1981 with Wan Radziah. That was the only one copy that I found.





Looking at it, my memories rolled down over 20 years ago. That day I went to the Student Affairs Department to clear some misunderstanding about my course fees. I told the clerk there that I want to clear this misunderstanding. The Asian girl in front of me made a 180 degrees turn to face me and exclaimed 'Pn. Zuraidah!!' I was surprised that she knew me. I thought she was Thai. In our conversation later I found out that Wan Radziah was my former student in sixth form at Sekolah Tun Fatimah in JB. She recognised my voice instantly. Imagine - the power of my voice!

She became my classmate in the counselling course. From then on, we reestablished our relationship not as student-teacher but as friends - a friend who was a great help in taking care of my two and a half year old son, Izrin. Combining study and taking care of a hyperactive son was quite a challenge to me. Fortunately Izrin was such an adorable and good-looking little boy that everybody loved him and gave him the attention that he craved.

With Rick Ebling and Byron, our American classmates, Izrin had the father-figure attention. Wan and Rick then became an item. I was happy. I owed much to Rick and Wan. In fact once Rick lent me US$500 to buy my ticket back to Malaysia urgently. Of course I paid him back.

When I returned to Malausia, I lost touch with Wan and Rick and didn't know the progress of their relationship. Later I found out that Wan came back to fulfill her contract and worked with MARA. Obviously the relationship didn't progress further.

12 years passed. In 1991 I went to University of South Carolina for consultation work with Asso. Prof. Bob Bowman on Peer Helping programs. I called Rick's aunt in Salt Lake City, Utah. She gave me Rick's telephone number and I called him. One question that Rick asked was 'Is Wan married?' My short answer was, 'No. she is still single.'

Working in Institute Aminuddin Baki (IAB) with a supportive Director, Dr. Hussin Ahmad, made it possible for me to propose calling a Brief Therapy expert to train our school counsellors. I believed Brief Therapy works in school settings. Rick was then, and still is, a practising Brief Therapist in Salt Lake City, Utah. He became our guess trainer for a week's course in IAB.

Together with Wan and Fauziah, we welcomed Rick at the airport. Wan was so nervous to meet Rick again after so long. We had to coax her to calm down. When they met, Rick decided to go to Seremban with Wan. A few days later, they came to see me to go to IAB in Genting Highlands. Surprise, surprise!! It seemed when they met, the flame was ignited again and they decided to get married. With friends' help, Rick converted to Islam and the akad nikah was held in Kg. Baru mosque.

That's the fairy tale story of my friends Rick Ebling Abdullah and Wan Radziah. What I remember most was the friendship both of them extended to me and my son, Izrin. With them around, they made my life and my study easier. They made sure Izrin was OK, my assignments were on time and we did our exam revision together. We also travelled to Florida together to meet Salmah at Pensacola, Florida with Rick driving all the way. For Izrin, whatever 'Abang Lick' did, he did too. Rick was his hero.

Rick acknowledged and thanked me for making it possible for him and Wan to be together again. That's what jodoh is. I strongly believed that if you are destined to be together, you will be together finally. Rick and Wan are still together with 2 good-looking sons in Salt Lake City. I have lost communication with them for so long. Since I moved around so much, I lost their address. I hope they received my email and letter as Dey and Shasi did so that we can resume our friendship again. I remember them with much love in my heart.

Rick Ebling Abdullah married Wan Radziah Ismail on 31 May 1992 at Kg.Baru mosque, Kuala Lumpur. May they have a long lasting marriage with much happiness.

Hutang emas boleh dibayar, Hutang budi dibawa mati.

Kak Long, my oldest sister

My sister, Zawiyah as a young girl.

The age gap between me and my oldest sister, Zawiyah, is big - around 20 years. I vaguely remember her in my childhood. She got married and moved away to Muar. I remember spending much of my teen years with her, watching her washing mountain of clothes by hands, her family's and her step children's. Most of her time was spent in the kitchen, cooking, cleaning and washing - almost all day long. She tackled her tasks calmly and patiently with no help from her step children who were old enough to do so. Whenever I paid her a visit, I was no help either. Being young, I prefer to play or hang around with my niece, Chom, who is just a little bit younger than me. We became close friends. To me this sister of mine is an angel, faithfully taking care of her large family, no matter how hard life was then. I am so glad and so proud that my niece treats her and takes care of her so well now. She deserves a good life in her old age.

This is my sister Zawiyah as a nurse at Malacca Hospital, with her friend, Gracie.

My sister, Zawiyah with her oldest daughter, Umi Kalthum (Chom) and my Bang Taufik's wife, Kak Timah in Muar.

So in actual fact, I have 11 brothers and sisters. Her mother has died when my father married my mother at a very young age. At the time when it was taboo for Malay girls to go to school, my father sent her to an English school. She became a nurse and that was how she met her husband. Her career ended. I am sorry, Kak Long, for repeatedly say that there were 10 in the family. I am just thinking of my brothers and sisters with the same mother. I love you as you were like a mother to me when I was little though I don't remember much of it.

I am sorry also for neglecting you so long because of work and living in Kuching. Now that I am free from any ties, I plan to see more of you in JB. Even though she is well over 80, I find her memory is still intact and she faithfully reads newpapers and watches TV for news. She can remember details of her young age and is able to recall names and places - something I am weak at.

With niece, Umi Kalthum Samsu at her Jalan Joned, Muar house.

I salute Chom for being a good daughter, and her husband, Jaafar for accepting a mother-in-law living with him since he married my niece. Allah blesses you in many ways, Chom, for taking good care of your mother and making her life comfortable. I was amused to hear from my niece that even though she is in wheelchair now she insisted to go to the kitchen and cook at least once a week -old habits die hard! But her wish is a command.

Now that another niece, Edah, has retired, she also helps in taking care of my old sister. Kak Long complaints of aches and pains, of things she is not happy, of how she is treated etc etc but that is what old age is. Her long-time carer, Yam, has to patiently bear her grumbles as well. Every time I visited her, I like to see how happy she was having me around and urged me to stay longer. It reminded me so much of my mother when she was ailing. I regretted for being impatient with her. I could be a better daughter.

The black and white photo below shows my oldest sister, Zawiyah, on the left with my childhood friend, Zainun in front of her. On the right is a neighbour, my sister's friend Zaimah, with me in front of her. Don't I look cute! This was taken at the old wooden house for staff at SITC, Tg. Malim. The old house is gone now. Hurei for old photos!!!

Old memories are recorded in photos. They are like time - once lost, it can never be recovered.

Tribute to old friends 1

This is Dey, not me.

I was fortunate for having a number of very close friends who gave meaning to my life. I am not good at maintaining friendship or relationship for a long time. I was too lazy to keep in touch. This is because I believe they remember me and I have them in my heart. So I have lost many friends who were close to me before and had enjoyed each other's company. I couldn't trace them. Now that I have retired and getting on with my age, I feel the need to bond again and try to find where they are. I am successful in renewing contact with some but failed in others. My circle of friends is not wide actually but the few I have are those who understood and supported me when I was in need. They have shown their loyalty and they believe in me. These are valuable friends.

I thought of Dey last night and I missed her. When I recalled what friendship means, she is one good example. I have not been a good friend to her for I defaulted in keeping in touch, although she is always in my heart. So today I wrote a letter and sent email using her old address. I hope it reaches her.

I met Dey in 1982 at APECA conference in Manila where she lived. There was chemistery with us, we just clicked and became fast friends. She was the Head of Guidance Services there at that time. To my children she is Auntie Dey and we visited each other. Then she migrated to US living in Chicago with her sister, Fely. To me she is family, just like a sister. Though she is a Roman Catholic and I am a Muslim, that did not mean anything to us. We were just two friends who cared for each other.

When Ika went to school in US, Dey became her second mother. She cared and catered for her needs, giving her all the attention and whatever material things she wanted. Every semester break I made sure she spent it with Dey in Chicago unless she flew home every summer. I felt my daughter was in good hand. Dey watched her like a mother hen. Whenever I went to US, Chicago was a stop I have to make. So was my daughter, Maz and son, Izrin. US means to auntie Dey's house. I hope Ika will always remember how much Dey played a part in her life at a young impressionable age in US and always be grateful to her.

Whenever I stayed with her, she made sure she cleaned her refrigerator and stored kosher or halal food. She had a place for me to do my prayer and made a point to get prayer schedule from the mosque. Once she and sister Fely drove Ika and I to Riverton, Wyoming to send Ika back to school, which was over a thousand miles away. It was a sight-seeing trip for us but she refused my offer to pay for the trip. With her, Ika was treated like a princess, in fact among her friends Ika was known as the Malaysian princess.

Being a kind-hearted person, Dey took care and supported her nieces and nephews for their education. As a widow with no children, they became her focus, alleviating them from poverty. They did well and many migrated to US to be with her. Of course she went through some heartaches in caring for them as any mother's experience. But she was proud that many did well in their life.

When she visited me in KL some years ago, people thought we were sisters. Yes, we look like sisters and we care like sisters.

I am toiling with the idea of visiting her again. But US is such a long way and I dread the long flight. I also dislike the knowledge that they are prejudiced towards Muslims. Maybe they would think I am a terrorist too. To me there are no bigger terrorists in the world except America and Israel.

At the same time, I want to visit Wan Radziah and Rick in Utah, Bob Bowman in South Carolina, my Professor Marianne Mitchell in Bloomington and sad to say, Sandy, my childhood pen-pal has passed away succumbed to breast cancer but I would like to meet her children again. Sandy was my family when I was in school in Indiana University, Bloomington.

Please do not think I am only focusing on friends overseas but in actual fact I am looking up old friends as and when I take road trip around our country. I have lost touch with so many and do not know how to begin searching. The ones that I have met again, we still keep in touch.

So Dr. Delly Chanyungco, I miss you and love you. Thank you a million time for the caring you have showered me and my children especially Ika. You will always be in my heart. Let's pray we will meet again in the near future.

Meaningful friends are hard to come by. Cherish it when you have them.

Looking ahead of time

I don't feel like going out to buy food for my breaking the fast today. There is a lot left-over food in the refrigerator and I am going to finish it - save me the trouble to go out to buy or to cook myself. Last night I watched Oprah Winfrey's show about racial tension in American schools. Things are not much different in our own country. I saw racial prejudice heightened recently. I received a number of Malay-bashing articles by email forwarded by my insensitive non-Malay friends. It is so depressing and create anger and resentment in my heart. I didn't feel this way before. I have very close Chinese and Indian friends and we got on fine together. But now it seems, hate the Malays and look down on them become the fashion.

The political situation is so unsettled that I feel threatened - not for me but for my people now and in future. I feel there is quite a big attempt to marginalise and colonise the Malays by number, professions, money and political pressure. We can see this has happened in our neighbour's country. This is the reason why I don't want to read newspapers and listen to news. It's so depressing and I don't want to be depressed. Believe me, I am not interested in politics but I am concerned about the future of my people.

But What I want to share to day is about my experience on looking at the future. We are not only to plan for next year or 5 years from now but for 20, 30 years ahead of time. Yesterday has passed and today is the guide of tomorrows. My working life began in late 60s and so was my marriage. In early 70s, I had my first child. By then I already had had an idea what it would be like for my children in 20 years time in term of their education. There would be difficulty in getting government scholarships for the Malays, competition would be tough and education and life would be expensive. So, I saved. Unfortunately when there was need for large sum of money, the saving became the target, with a promise that it would be replaced later. It never happened.

After a year I began to feel anxious and wondered what better way for me to save so that the money would not be touched. Insurance!! At that time, buying insurance was almost unheard of among most Malays, let alone buying education insurance. There was no Takaful or any Islamic insurance. I bought education insurances the month my children were born. True enough, the money remained intact there - no withdrawal. My friends looked down on me for being unislamic as insurance was haram, they said. I didn't care. I believed Allah knows my intention and He is most forgiving. If not why do we Muslims always begin whatever we do with the verse ' Bismillahir rahman nir rahim'?

When my oldest daughter wanted to do broadcast journalism in US majoring in radio, there was no scholarship or any funding available. Most people I approached said that it was not a recognised degree and had no market in Malaysia. But she was insistent. I hated the begging, meeting people for help so that her ambition could be fulfilled. Finally, when her insurance matured and with some saving through ASB, it was more than enough to support her 4 year degree course in US.

While in Wichita State University in Kansas, she moved around with non-Malay students. Many a time she was insulted by them by accusing her as a spoilt Malay student being sponsored by the government. So what? I don't see why the Malays have to apologise for that. They will just do the same if they have the opportunity, may be worse. Ika was livid of course and set the record straight. I wouldn't have cared to explain or defend myself. When people have made their own judgment and conclusion, it's a sheer waste of time to explain. I would just say 'Go to Hell!'

My friends told me that I am rich for being able to support her education in US. I was not, but the people were the same people who discouraged me buying education insurance. I am glad I didn't listen to them. My second daughter received a loan and now is paying it back. She had declined the offer of a government scholarship. She didn't want to be bonded. My son's insurance money is neatly saved for his future.

I was glad that what life would be 20 years ahead of my time, came true. There were other situations where I had an inkling of what life would be then and was prepared for it.

So, what I want to convey here, especially to those young people who read this blog, think ahead of time. Plan your future well, Yes, Kita boleh merancang tapi hanya Allah menentukan but Allah asks us to 'berikhtiar'. Start saving as you do not know what it would be like in future especially at old age. There are so many avenues that you can save without fear of losing. Save enough for your children's education. Do not be beggers, begging and hoping for government funds. Estahblish self-dignity. Wake up. Let your children be highly educated. I would like to see more brilliant Malay lawyers, doctors, scientists, bussiness people and many other professions that are open now. Help yourself and help your people to shine and not being walked all over. This is our country. We don't have China or India to be proud of. We belong here.

Never let what Aminuddin Baki said come true - Ayam dikepuk mati kelaparan, itik di air mati kehausan.

Pre-Eidilfitri

Next week is the big celebration for Malaysian Muslims and the Muslims all over the world - Eid or the end of Ramadhan. It's going to be like previous years for me and my children but this year, Maz, my second daughter will not be with me. She is celebrating her raya with her in-laws in Terengganu. Last year, Hazri and Maz were with me. They have been practising this taking-turn to celebrate raya since they were married. It seems to work for them and I am happy. So, this year it will be Ika, Justin, Izrin and me in Port Dickson. Ika has been with me all these years, even when I was in Kuching. She flew over there and we spent our rayas visiting my friends and students or after prayer we spent our time traveling Sarawak. I'll definitely miss her when she moves to Sydney with Justin. These last 2 rayas, Justin fasted - his first experience as a Muslim. He did well and takes fasting in his stride.

I am proud of my children actually. But on ocassion like raya, I wish I have more than 3. In my younger days having 3 children was fashionable. More than that was too many and create problems in taking care of them. My mom has 10 and it is a constant wonder to me how she managed to raise us so well. There were no problems. Everybody just knew what they were supposed to do. But I am sure she had her fair share of heartaches too.

I don't interfere with my children's life. They are old enough to think for themselves. But like many mothers, sometimes I expect a lot more from them. This causes conflict and I don't win. To my mind, as long as they are happy and do not stress me, I am good.

I reminisced my younger days with my parents, brothers and sisters. When my parents were alive, every raya meant going back to Tanjung Kling, Melaka. Almost everybody would be back with their spouses and children. My parents' house was a jungle of noise and activities. After raya prayer, everybody would sit in a circle with the head of the family, my father and mother. We arranged ourselves according to age. The oldest of my siblings would start first - salam my parents, kissed their hands and asked for forgiveness. Then he and wife sat next to my parents waiting for the younger siblings to do the same. The next round was the grandchildren's turn. Again age counted. It looked chaotic but somehow everybody knew when was their turn. Of course the younger ones had a field day collecting duit raya. I remember my parents dreaded the next day, and the next, as one by one their children left to celebrate raya with their in-laws. Finally, by the end of the week they were left alone.

When my parents passed away, there was no attempt to group together on raya day. We were on our own with our families. We became distant - uncles, aunties and cousins are strangers. We realised this, and thus the yearly round of family gatherings.

I guess this year, after prayer and raya with Ika, Justin and Izrin, we will do our visiting closest relatives. Ika hates this routine and she and I will end up arguing. Poor Justin, I would love to introduce him to my mother's side in Rembau, the poorer side of the family. They live deep inside in a village at the edge of a jungle. My cousin is a schezophrenic and lives alone there. I used to bring food every now and then for him. It saddens my heart to see my children and my nieces and nephews do not take the extra miles to see this side of the clan. I know Justin would love to see the isolated village. It's a new experience for him. I'll see what happens.

Eidilfitri is once a year affair.Blessings come in many ways.

The hassle of being old

I was back at my old house in SS 1, PJ. this last few days. I had to go to University Hospital to get my medication. Going back to my old house is always a pleasure but also a source of stress to me. I feel sad, angry and frustrated sometimes to see my old house is being treated like a temporary shelter by my children. My oldest daughter, Ika and her husband, Justin and my son Izrin, live there now. They don't bother much about the house, let alone repair all the minor damages that are normal for old house . The door of the back toilet which has become the cats' toilet has been spoilt for years, not repaired. Locks have become loose, not replaced and my garden is neglected. Once I had a well-tendered garden which became the envy of my neighbours as I love gardening. It pains my heart to see that my children put in minimal care for the house that they have lived in since they were born. I don't think Izrin knows what's going on in the house. He leaves for work late morning and comes home late at night or sometimes not coming home at all when he is bogged down with work. So whenever I come back, much of my time is spent on sweeping and tidying up, which left me feeling tired, unappreciated, sad and stressed. That's one reason why I like staying in my little apartment on my own.

Talking about children, I met an old man in the Q to get medications at UH. He was wobbly and couldn't stand straight. Obviously he was ill. I volunteered to take his medication so that he can sit down. He declined as he had to explain somethimg to the pharmacist. The lady behind me commented that he shouldn't come alone to the hospital and that his children should take him there. Seems to me UH is not sensitive at all towards the elderly. Standing in a long Q is common. I had the opportunity to chat with him while waiting for his turn. According to him his children are very busy at work. He drove to UH with his wife who suffered from Parkinson and has just been discharged for mild heart attack. I couldn't believe my ears. He was endangering his own life, his wife's as well others' by driving in his condition. I offered to take him home but he declined again as nobody will drive his car back. Wallking unsteadily to meet his wife on the first floor, I sat watching him and my tears threatened to flow down. I could only tell him to go and have breakfast first, find a chair and rest until he is ready. In my head, I planned to talk to him again and worked out on how to solve his car problem so that I can take him home. Waiting for my medication took some time. By that time, I could't find him in the crowd. I prayed that he is OK and were able to drive home savely. I hope he did. I am sure he did.

I don't know how to express my feeling actually - a deep sadness and sympathy for old people who have to fend for themselves in their old age. My spirit was down for a while, thinking will I be like him one day? I pray that my children will have more sense. Presently I am independent and I dislike asking them for help. I feel hurt when they give me excuses. So doing everything on my own saves me the heartache and disappointment. But what will happen when I become dependent not through my choice? Only time will tell.

I was a young busy career woman, wife and mother once. Now, I have never stopped wishing that I was kinder and more attentive to my parents when they were alive. Alfatihah.

So, for those young people out there, it doesn't take much to make your parents happy. Just remember ' Syurga di bawah telapak kaki ibu.'

Lucky are the parents whose children are devoted to them.

Botox

Feel very frustrated today and yesterday. Computer can do this to me. I have just learned how to write Blog and I am enjoying it. In my head there are so many everyday things that I want to write - just for my record, a kind of journal for me. Perhaps some readers who care to open my Blog might learn something from it. 'Proud as peacock' on 20 Sept 08 disappeared and remained in draft. What do I do? Still blurr on what to click next. I suppose I have to be patient till my tutor, Najidah, tells me what to do. So this is how frustration feels when you are at a disadvantage. I envy you people out there who are so good and just know what to do. My computer guy, Ung, used to say, 'Kak tekan saja - try tengok apa jadi'. I did just that. Oh yes, something did happen but not what I wanted.

And, for today I would like to talk about staying young by the power of Botox. I was with Jamayah in Perth in May recently, staying with her lovely family for a week. After a hectic and tiring trip to Iran, Perth was so relaxed. She asked me whether I use Botox to keep my complexion clear. I chuckled and hei, this is a compliment. I have received a few compliments from some other friends too. I told her to look carefully at my skin, there are a million lines and wrinkles which Botox can help but no, I don't. I would like to, but my priority lies somewhere else. Of course I checked. If I have to spend about Rm2000 every 4 or 5 months, I have a better use of my hard-earned money. I travel and I want to see the world as much as possible before glaucoma took over my sight. I am now in the young-old category in aging theory and soon I would go into the old-old category. So I don't have much time left to bother about looking young.

I remember when I was in school I was always particular on how I looked. I hated to see blemishes on my face and I spent my pocket money buying skin care products and faithfully followed the regime of keeping my skin clean. This has become a habit. No matter how tired I am at night, I must clean my face first before going to bed. I was also picky on food, avoiding oily ones though sometimes desire overcame me. Now I can't fight the lines and wrinkles but to me wrinkles are beautiful - show how WISE I am !!! Ha, ha! Don't believe me, sometimes I still do stupid things.

As the saying goes, beauty is skin deep, so is youthfulness. It's subjective. If I look younger than my age, it's because I feel young - young enough to appreciate what life has to offer. I am blessed with good, comfortable life - giving me the freedom to pursue my passion. I have no one to control me, to tell me what to do and what not to do. My children understand me and leave me alone. I love charting my own destiny (with Allah's blessing) and go for what I believe. Youthfulness comes from internal calmness, feeling of fulfilment, ability to handle stress of life, bersyukur for what God gives you and love and care for other people, and you will stay young. I believe so. Not that I don't believe in the power of Botox, I do. But for those of you who crave so badly to look young, maybe you have to look at yourself - internally and externally. Confidence and joyful attitude help alot in that department. Not to have bad feelings, thoughts and intentions towards other people are another factors.

So, like my Proud as peacock blog - never backstab or badmouth others - you grow old doing that!! Instead of gossiping about others, spend time taking care of your skin and manage your stress well. Another tip for looking young is, dress well. You don't need to buy expensive clothes for that - buy according to your budget. When I was young and working, friends nicknamed me 'the Best dressed' lady. I was, and I enjoyed the attention. So if you have money to spare, well go ahead and use Botox. But remember, time does not stand still because you use Botox.

Botox is temporary. How you feel about yourself is permanent.

Proud as a peacock

I was told a number of times that my idea on peer helping is being taking advantage of by certain people to get rich. Let me put things straight. Peer helping has been in existence since man live in groups or society. I only introduced and promoted peer helping concept in Malaysian schools beginning 1987, which is known as Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya (PRS). I was acknowledged as the founder of PRS program in Malaysiaa - an honour I cherish. But it does not belong to me alone - it's open to anybody who is interested in promoting good will among young people and adults. So, if my ex-students or people who attended my course on this program, promote it further by making a business out of it, I am proud!! I want my ex-students and others who have listened to me speaking on the topic to make full use of the opportunity.

I am very proud of Hj Shahabudin Hj Ashaari actually, who expanded and promoted peer helping among adults in his PERASA program. It's totaly his, not mine. I just provide the concept and he developed it further. That's what initiative and creativity are all about. His program sells. The more successful he is, the prouder I become, the more encouragement I provided. I appreciate

his acknowledgement of my contribution by naming one of his camp huts in my honour. Like many others, he was my student and has become my friend. Some people reported to me that he is a millionaire, I hope he is, I know he is.

In my life as a teacher and a lecturer, I know a number of my ex-students have become successful in their chosen career -may it be in politics, business or work with titles like Dato', Tan Sri etc. Some still remember me and keep in touch but I am very positive all remember who I am. I have gained reputation among my students as 'guru/lecturer garang'. It's OK, I know they realised, I cared - there is no nonsense with me.

So, you people out there who care to read this blog, please be supportive of your friends' achievements. Help support, not stab behind their backs or bad-mouth them. In 1992, I took Budin and 4 others to US for consultation work hoping they would come back and expand and promote the program with me. Sad to say, nothing was being done, instead I got backstabbed. So rocommending them to come with me gave them the opportunity for a free holiday in the States. They were so impressive before the selection process. I was fooled!! When work was given after we returned, I got response like "I don'y work for you." I was down with disappointment but thank to Shahabudin who contributed his share to keep me going. Thank you Budin. He also had some bad experience of being bad-mouthed and backstabbed. I admire him, he doggedly proceed promoting his ideas and finally reaped the benefits.

What I am trying to say here is, especially to the Malays, get rid of that iri hati and envy. The more you see your own peole succeed the more supportive you should become. Believe me, in doing so, you will benefit in some way of your friends' success. Please don't practice bad-mouthing, it's unhealthy. It reflects who you are, your personality, your upbringing, your belief. Learn from your non-Malay friends, when it come to people of their own race, they will rally together, no matter how resentful they feel. Together is strength.

Make envy as a motivator to success, not to 'kill' others.

Alone and aloneness

I met a Malay lady vet the other day. When I told her I live alone, she went all sad pitying me. She told me that I should have somebody living with me. I let her talk and just smiled. Finally I said, though jokingly but was serious about it. 'Please, you don't need to pity me living alone, you are just wasting your time and energy. I CHOOSE to live alone and be alone. I am perfectly happy living by myself. I love me and I enjoy my own company.'

I don't know what goes on in some people's mind - they judge and assume that by living alone, you're lonely, unhappy and should be pitied. There is such thing as being alone and aloneness. You can have wonderful husband/wife and children but you still feel alone and experience aloneness especially when you feel unfulfilled. Aloneness can overcome you even when you're in a crowd. It's a state your mind and feeling. You can choose to be alone and not experience aloneness. It's how you think and how you feel.

So I don't want to waste my time explaning my preference in my living style. She has made up her mind that I am lonely. Am I lonely? At the moment I don't even know what loneliness is. I have no time to think and feel about it. My head is full of things I want to do. My time is full with things that I do and have little time to whilst away. What I know I am perfectly happy as I am. I don't even want to live with my children, adorable as they are (sorry my loves, the three of you are the light in my life but mummy chooses this life). What I feel great about is, I don't have anyone who can make me mad or hurt me. I am my own master - I do what pleases me, make my own decision without the need to ask permission, scoot off somewhere whenever I feel like it, buy what I want without feeling guilty, etc etc etc. So, am I lonely?

Frankly I feel sorry for those women and men who seem to have somebody who is supposed to care for them but they feel lonely, uncared and experience aloneness. I have seen so many married men and women in my life who are lonely and they strayed. In the process they hurt people around them. Married men and women have affairs and the children become the victims.

So those singles who live alone, enjoy your life, love yourself, feel good about yourself. Whoever feel sorry for you they are the ones who should be pitied, not you! Just take care of your safety.

Life is what you make out of it.

Gender Issue

Please understand. I am not male-bashing here but merely sharing my observation and experience. I worked as an Admin Manager with the National Stroke Association of Malaysia or NASAM for over 2 years before joining the Faculty of Cognitive Sciences and Human Development in University Malaysia Sarawak (Unimas) as an Associate Professor. My time with NASAM was most eye-opening and made me realize how important health is. An old university friend who suffered bad stroke shared his philosophy - ' when you have money, you can't buy health but if you have health you can make money.' How true. He is a millionair. I also learned how to handle stroke patients without being scared of hurting them. Thanks to the physiotherapists there. Being trained in counselling, I spent quite a lot of time talking to the patients as well as to their family members and carers.

As usual I dealt with different cases with different needs. What was obvious was the way the stroke patients were treated by their family members. I saw family ties broke because one member suffered stroke and yet some, bonded closer. Generally, when husbands suffered stroke, the wives will quit their jobs or went for long leave to care for the husbands. They devotedly attend to the needs of their husbands. Almost every time the wives will be at the husbands' side helping and encouraging. Some of them fell prey to stress but doggedly went on as they considered it their duty to care. So, with the help of volunteers we helped in relieving their burden by taking over the exercise so that they could relax and go somewhere.

A different story unfold when the wives suffered stroke. Some I hardly saw the husbands even though I called them to come so that I can discuss the wives' progress. There were always excuses - busy with work. So the maids were left to fill in the void. One case, he promptly married another woman with an excuse his wife 'tidak mampu'. Can you imagine the state of misery she felt? The road of recovery for her was long and tedious. I was angry, who doesn't, such a heartless human. But inspite of that, I admire a Tan Sri who devotedly cared for his wife and he became a volunteer himself and helped other strokees. I remember one male strokee told him jokingly, ' Tan Sri, can I marry you?"

I recalled my mother's analogy. She said, a man is like a cat and a woman is like a dog. Like a cat, wherever he gets attention and love, he stays there abandoning the old master/owner. So. My mother (allahyarhamah) said, a cat 'bertuan seribu'. While a dog will stay with his owner/ master no matter how he/she is treated, faithful and obedient. So my wise mother said, a dog 'bertuan satu'. This analogy is so apt and I have seen often enough. I am not saying women are angels but mostly they are.

So all women out there, love as you are loved but keep some for yourself.

War with crows

They came inching slowly to the garden chair, looking at me defiently. I snatched a broom and threw it at them, the black ugly things flew away in panick. They are getting bolder by the day. Evil thought came to my mind, I want to shoot them but I don't have a gun. I want to poison them but that's cruelty-what do I do? This is my war with crows in my little apartment.

I used to put bread or left over rice at the balcony and small birds like the sparrows and the starlings stopped over to feed. It was a sight to behold, enjoying the spoils and chattering away as if saying ' I like this, this person is nice, I love her' (I believe that's what they say in their chatter). But I have to hide myself, seeing me they will fly away. Unfortunately Pak Gagak saw this and took over the balcony. No wonder the food disappeared so quickly - leaving my small birds nothing. I hate these ugly black things, just like I hate some groups of ugly people who want to marginalise my people.

In the end I stopped putting food there and my little birds flew in disappointed. They chatter with one another, perching themselves at the Astro disc, maybe saying 'Why isn't she nice anymore?'. Sorry little birds, you have been robbed! Now, I am trying to woo the little birds by putting food at the corridor. There are more birds at this side of the apartment but so far none came. I hope at least one will stop over and find food there and then tell their friends. I saw cute little sunbirds too. Please little ones stop over and say 'Hi' to me. I promise to provide you food if those ugly black things don't interfere.

Beside the scavenger crows, I am also upset today with the management of the apartments. If owners pay maintenance fee late they will receive reminder letters. But the service they provide is so inefficient. It took them weeks to change the bulbs along the corridor. The corridor to my apartment is dark. Attempts to talk on the phone to the manager failed - never in the office when I called, morning or afternoon. So another complaint letter was sent, then only somebody came to change the bulbs. Why oh why do they have to wait until a stinking letter of complaint was delivered? This is sheer inefficiency with attitude problem. This is not all, the security at this place is a big joke. The guards are just poles - any Toms, Dicks and Harry can go in and out at any time they like, no registering system at all. I am just waiting for the association meeting to highlight the problems.

Zuraidah, cool down! You are not supposed to be stressed. You are doing well in keeping your eye-pressure down, so no stress!! OK, I am done.

Minimizing belongings

I got up this morning and thought I must write this down. Sharipah, my usual travelling friend, talked on the phone yesterday, recalling our trip to Moscow and St. Petersburg recently. We congratulated ourselves for being good 'girls' - we hardly bought anything except some souvenirs for our children and close friends. The Euros and the US$ were almost untouched - not that we were not tempted! The temptation to buy is there-plenty!!!!!!! But both of us have made a pact that at our age we should minimize our belongings - it will lessen the headache to clear the clutter in the house. I have been on endless spring cleaning in my house since returning from Kuching, boxes and boxes went to the mosque for the mosque committee to sell to raise fund. I am glad they managed to collect some $ . I still have some more to sort out though. This is the result of 40 years of having a home with storage space to shove the 'nanti nak pakai' things.

Anyway. in the Uzbeck plane on the way back to KLIA, we shook hands and said 'congratulations' to each other and burst into laughter. We did well! Unlike the trip to Cape Town, the four of us (Jin, Cesily, Sharipah and I) bought rubbish and now wondered why we bought them - handbags, paintings, costume jewellery, clothes etc, some we can buy at cheaper prices in our country. We were mad! When one person bought something, the others will follow suit! That's what group influence is.

Thank God the group members to Russia were not shopping crazy - not like the groups to Morocco, Uzbeckistan and Iran - I was really stressed and bored. Well, that's life.

Learning to open the blogspot

Today is 14 September 2008. I am not a computer nerd but love how to learn to handle it. Learning to use the different programs is a challenge to me. Been wanting to open a personal blog but got stuck on how to proceed. So today, Najidah, my ex-student became my tutor, teaching me how to do this. In fact she has been tutoring me in many aspects on assessing the computer programs. Thank God, I got somebody who is patient enough to show me how. While in Unimas, I have Dr. Weng patiently teaching me, now that I am back in Semenanjung, I get Najidah to come and teach me. So, forgive me if I made mistakes or not able to post anything in my blog. So, you see that's the beuty of being a teacher - you can always rely on a few of your students. Hope you enjoy reading whatever I share in this blog.