My parents, Abdul Rahman bin Hj Muhyiddin and my mother, Maimunah binti Hj. Zakaria, celebrating their 40th wedding annivesary (11 Nov 1927 - 11 Nov 1967).
My brothers and sister at SITC, Tg. Malim old house. Left - oldest sister Zawiyah, first brother, Ahmad Taufik, Ahmad Saifuddin, Ahmad Fuad, Ahmad Zainal Ariffin, Ahmad Mahir and Zuraidah.
My parents, especially my mother had really tough time dealing with me during my adolescence years. I continued to be such a rebellious child, fighting against tradition that curbed my freedom. Typical of adolescent behaviour, I hated any form of sanction from adults - my parents, neighbours and other people around me. I just wanted to be me!
Recalling those trying years, I felt some sadness and regrets that I wasn't kind to my parents. I caused so much heartaches and pains which made my mother cried so many times. I was a model student at school but a rebellious terror at home. My mother always compared me with my oldest sister, Zawiyah, who was a good, docile and obedient girl. She moaned with desperation and said it was easy raising 5 boys but so tough having one girl like me to deal with. I always talked back at anything that she said which I didn't want to accept, 'Satu kita cakap, sepuluh dia jawab'. She shed tears of despair many, many times and said ' Berdosa kau Dah, buat Mak menangis'. I didn't care and thought I dare take the consequences whatever it is. My heart was made of rock, she commented. I am so so very, very sorry Mak, for being such a difficult girl and caused you so much pains in my growing years.
As I said God is great. He gives you back what you gave especially to your parents. I believe children will treat you as you treat your parents. While still living, I experienced this. I understood my mother's pains when Izrin, my son, was as rebellious as I was, in fact more, in his teen days. I cried myself sick for fear he would go astray, getting involved in unhealthy activities. I didn't trust him as my parents were towards me. It was tough time. At the height of my pain, I went to see my mother who was staying with Anah, my younger sister in PJ and crawled on fours, kissing her feet asking for forgiveness of my behaviour, for I understood how she felt when I was so hard on her. I was full with regrets. She just said, 'Mak dah ampunkan kau Dah, sabar jelah dengan Izrin tu, baik lah dia nanti.' She believed Izrin will turn out OK (he is) as I have.
I was hot-tempered and had a sharp tounge to match (mellowed down so much now!). I disliked the behaviour of my neighbours. My mother had quite a collection of jewelery. The habit of these neighbours was everytime they wanted to go for weddings they would come and borrow jewelery from my mother. My mother was a very soft-hearted person and lent it to them. Not being able to read and write, she didn't keep record. They had a habit of not returning the jewelery and then my mother forgot about it. She lost a lot of valuable antique jewelery which we could not trace when she passed away. The same thing with her pots and pans and dishes. All her antique belongings disappeared. The villagers avoided coming to borrow things from my mother when I was at home for I would tell them point blank that they could not be trusted. Why must they borrow other people's jewelery just because they wanted to attend a wedding? Why couldn't they go as they were, after all the jewelery didn't belong to them. Of course my mother scolded me and was ashamed of my behaviour. To my neighbours, I was noted as the most sombong and wicket person, whereas my parents were so nice.
Understanding traditional Malay practices would help to clear a picture of the culture at that time. Concept of gotong-royong, taking care of one another was very strong (to the extend that what belongs to you, belongs to them!). Everbody is everybody's business. Unacceptable behaviour was curbed by village elders. Being a former teacher, though looked upon as an outsider, my father was considered a leader and they respected and looked up on him. But I was his pain. I resented the fact that my parents were always being taken advantage of. My mother especially, feared of being isolated, dipulaukan. It means they would ignore you and refused to help in any event. The need to be accepted was strong, in case of death, sickness etc, it was the neighbours who would rally to help. So you had to be nice. But, not me! I believed we could survive without them, forgetting that there was no modern facilities at that time. So it became a struggle between my parents and me in relation to my neighbours' demand. I just couldn't stand their nosey behaviour - peeping when they heard commotion in my house. I used to yell at them for being such busybody. The conflict went on. I bet they sighed with relief when I left home for university.
At school, I was a favourite with teachers. Looking back at my teachers' comments in my leaving certificates, they described me as responsible, obliging, hard-working, obedient and self -assured. I was always confident of myself, not caring what other people thought of me. I was the class monitor ever year, club president and a prefect. Above all, I was known as a Speaker in Malay representing Malacca in Bulan Bahasa and first in Jacee speech contest. I was in school debate team and every time I represented the school, other schools would know MGS would win. So I made a name for myself even at a young age. I tried to dabble in acting and modeling, it didn't suit me - I had no talent! With these achievements, my parents and siblings were proud of me. At one time, my mother followed me to an elocation contest where I delivered my speech and won. She was beaming with pride. Then it became her statement when we had conflict 'Kau berbahas atas pentas, dengan Mak pun kau nak berbahas jugak!' I loved going to school for school was my sanctuary, away from cooking and cleaning the house.
I owed a lot to some of my teachers in Malay schools and in Methodist Girls School. I left Malay school in 1956 after standard 7. Then I took an entry examination for Remove Class and went to Methodist Girls School in Tranquerah, Malacca on 7 Jan 1957, the year we got our independence. At that time, Malay girls were left far behind their Chinese counterpart. The Malay girls in Remove Class were looked down and isolated themselves due to low self-esteem. We couldn't speak English. Though subjects taught were in English we were too shy to use the language. I resented this and began to use English slowly by using 'I' and 'you' mixed with Malay words at first. I made many mistakes but I didn't care.
I was always one of the top 5 in class, rivaled by Zahara Mahmud, Zainab Muit and Rokiah Khairuddin. For being top in class regularly, I was awarded the Federal Minor Scholarship at Rm 30 per month. The government wanted to encourage Malays to go to school so that they wouldn't be left behind the Chinese and other races. Attitude change was very much needed. With RM 30 per month I became independent, supporting myself as my father had retired and there was not much money to spend with 4 other younger sisters and a brother to support. I loved reading and my pocket money was spent on buying English story books like Dennis Robins, Barbara Cartland etc, mostly romance novels. That was how I acquired English. Even though I disliked cooking, I enjoyed handcrafts and was good at it. I knitted my own cardigans and tops, did crochet, embroidery, and tatting. The RM 30 of my minor scholarship went a long way at that time.
One instance that is still fresh in my mind was how I was laughed and jeered at by some Chinese girls when I used a wrong word in English. I was keen to join sport activities, so I requested to take part in 'circle' jump. They were baffled at first but burst into laughter when they realised I meant 'hurdle' jump. So they jeered and laughed loudly and told everybody. I was so ashamed but didn't give up for I learned that the correct word was 'hurdle'. That stuck in my mind. From then on, it was speaking English. I didn't care whether the words were correct or wrong for when I made mistakes somebody would correct it. That was how I learned.
I was not good in Mathematics. The school Principal at that time was Mrs. Lim and teaching a group of slow Malay girls must be a pain to her. But I was always faithful in doing her homework. I would not budge from my study table untill all homework was done. She commented that the answers to all her homework were all corect but I did a long-winded way to arrive at the solutions. Anyhow she was proud of me. That encouraged me but somehow finding the easy short solution was not easy. But I still did well. I wanted to take General Science in form four but I had an Indian teacher who liked to ridicule Malay girls who seemed slow to her. I was one who did badly and received a put down. So I dropped the subject but I knew I could excel if I had a bit of encouragement and I disliked her so much and forgot her name.
Some years back I met another Chinese teacher, a Mrs. Lim Leng Lee who taught Geography until I was in form 5. Before taking the Senior Cambridge Eaxamination in 1962, she pulled me aside and asked whether I intended to take the Form Sixth Entrance Examination and the fee was RM6.00. I said I was not sure but she insisted I took it and if I couldn't pay the fee, she would pay for it. I never forget this kindness and the confidence showed to me, I took the exam and went to sixth form. I managed to say thank you to her face to face, even though she has forgotten it. I have not.
One person whom I owed most gratitude during my secondary school years is my Malay teacher, En. Tajuddin Ali. Wherever you are Cik Gu Tajuddin, thank you for nurturing, encouraging, defending and loving me during my school days. He taught and coached me in Malay language and in my debate and speech contests diligently. Without his help I wouldn't shine and achieve success. He made friends with my parents and loved to hear my father's stories about his days at SITC. I am very sorry if I ever I hurt you for I will always love you for being my teacher and my inspiration. Part of what I am today was due to you. We met again when he was a teachers college lecturer and I was working as an officer at Bahagian Pendidikan Guru in 1982. Then he became the Principal of Mohd Khalid Teacher Training College in Johor Bharu. So, thank you, thank you and thank you Cik Gu Tajuddin. May Allah bless you wherever you are.
Adolscence is the the period for searching self-identity. I did.
Recalling those trying years, I felt some sadness and regrets that I wasn't kind to my parents. I caused so much heartaches and pains which made my mother cried so many times. I was a model student at school but a rebellious terror at home. My mother always compared me with my oldest sister, Zawiyah, who was a good, docile and obedient girl. She moaned with desperation and said it was easy raising 5 boys but so tough having one girl like me to deal with. I always talked back at anything that she said which I didn't want to accept, 'Satu kita cakap, sepuluh dia jawab'. She shed tears of despair many, many times and said ' Berdosa kau Dah, buat Mak menangis'. I didn't care and thought I dare take the consequences whatever it is. My heart was made of rock, she commented. I am so so very, very sorry Mak, for being such a difficult girl and caused you so much pains in my growing years.
As I said God is great. He gives you back what you gave especially to your parents. I believe children will treat you as you treat your parents. While still living, I experienced this. I understood my mother's pains when Izrin, my son, was as rebellious as I was, in fact more, in his teen days. I cried myself sick for fear he would go astray, getting involved in unhealthy activities. I didn't trust him as my parents were towards me. It was tough time. At the height of my pain, I went to see my mother who was staying with Anah, my younger sister in PJ and crawled on fours, kissing her feet asking for forgiveness of my behaviour, for I understood how she felt when I was so hard on her. I was full with regrets. She just said, 'Mak dah ampunkan kau Dah, sabar jelah dengan Izrin tu, baik lah dia nanti.' She believed Izrin will turn out OK (he is) as I have.
I was hot-tempered and had a sharp tounge to match (mellowed down so much now!). I disliked the behaviour of my neighbours. My mother had quite a collection of jewelery. The habit of these neighbours was everytime they wanted to go for weddings they would come and borrow jewelery from my mother. My mother was a very soft-hearted person and lent it to them. Not being able to read and write, she didn't keep record. They had a habit of not returning the jewelery and then my mother forgot about it. She lost a lot of valuable antique jewelery which we could not trace when she passed away. The same thing with her pots and pans and dishes. All her antique belongings disappeared. The villagers avoided coming to borrow things from my mother when I was at home for I would tell them point blank that they could not be trusted. Why must they borrow other people's jewelery just because they wanted to attend a wedding? Why couldn't they go as they were, after all the jewelery didn't belong to them. Of course my mother scolded me and was ashamed of my behaviour. To my neighbours, I was noted as the most sombong and wicket person, whereas my parents were so nice.
Understanding traditional Malay practices would help to clear a picture of the culture at that time. Concept of gotong-royong, taking care of one another was very strong (to the extend that what belongs to you, belongs to them!). Everbody is everybody's business. Unacceptable behaviour was curbed by village elders. Being a former teacher, though looked upon as an outsider, my father was considered a leader and they respected and looked up on him. But I was his pain. I resented the fact that my parents were always being taken advantage of. My mother especially, feared of being isolated, dipulaukan. It means they would ignore you and refused to help in any event. The need to be accepted was strong, in case of death, sickness etc, it was the neighbours who would rally to help. So you had to be nice. But, not me! I believed we could survive without them, forgetting that there was no modern facilities at that time. So it became a struggle between my parents and me in relation to my neighbours' demand. I just couldn't stand their nosey behaviour - peeping when they heard commotion in my house. I used to yell at them for being such busybody. The conflict went on. I bet they sighed with relief when I left home for university.
At school, I was a favourite with teachers. Looking back at my teachers' comments in my leaving certificates, they described me as responsible, obliging, hard-working, obedient and self -assured. I was always confident of myself, not caring what other people thought of me. I was the class monitor ever year, club president and a prefect. Above all, I was known as a Speaker in Malay representing Malacca in Bulan Bahasa and first in Jacee speech contest. I was in school debate team and every time I represented the school, other schools would know MGS would win. So I made a name for myself even at a young age. I tried to dabble in acting and modeling, it didn't suit me - I had no talent! With these achievements, my parents and siblings were proud of me. At one time, my mother followed me to an elocation contest where I delivered my speech and won. She was beaming with pride. Then it became her statement when we had conflict 'Kau berbahas atas pentas, dengan Mak pun kau nak berbahas jugak!' I loved going to school for school was my sanctuary, away from cooking and cleaning the house.
I owed a lot to some of my teachers in Malay schools and in Methodist Girls School. I left Malay school in 1956 after standard 7. Then I took an entry examination for Remove Class and went to Methodist Girls School in Tranquerah, Malacca on 7 Jan 1957, the year we got our independence. At that time, Malay girls were left far behind their Chinese counterpart. The Malay girls in Remove Class were looked down and isolated themselves due to low self-esteem. We couldn't speak English. Though subjects taught were in English we were too shy to use the language. I resented this and began to use English slowly by using 'I' and 'you' mixed with Malay words at first. I made many mistakes but I didn't care.
I was always one of the top 5 in class, rivaled by Zahara Mahmud, Zainab Muit and Rokiah Khairuddin. For being top in class regularly, I was awarded the Federal Minor Scholarship at Rm 30 per month. The government wanted to encourage Malays to go to school so that they wouldn't be left behind the Chinese and other races. Attitude change was very much needed. With RM 30 per month I became independent, supporting myself as my father had retired and there was not much money to spend with 4 other younger sisters and a brother to support. I loved reading and my pocket money was spent on buying English story books like Dennis Robins, Barbara Cartland etc, mostly romance novels. That was how I acquired English. Even though I disliked cooking, I enjoyed handcrafts and was good at it. I knitted my own cardigans and tops, did crochet, embroidery, and tatting. The RM 30 of my minor scholarship went a long way at that time.
One instance that is still fresh in my mind was how I was laughed and jeered at by some Chinese girls when I used a wrong word in English. I was keen to join sport activities, so I requested to take part in 'circle' jump. They were baffled at first but burst into laughter when they realised I meant 'hurdle' jump. So they jeered and laughed loudly and told everybody. I was so ashamed but didn't give up for I learned that the correct word was 'hurdle'. That stuck in my mind. From then on, it was speaking English. I didn't care whether the words were correct or wrong for when I made mistakes somebody would correct it. That was how I learned.
I was not good in Mathematics. The school Principal at that time was Mrs. Lim and teaching a group of slow Malay girls must be a pain to her. But I was always faithful in doing her homework. I would not budge from my study table untill all homework was done. She commented that the answers to all her homework were all corect but I did a long-winded way to arrive at the solutions. Anyhow she was proud of me. That encouraged me but somehow finding the easy short solution was not easy. But I still did well. I wanted to take General Science in form four but I had an Indian teacher who liked to ridicule Malay girls who seemed slow to her. I was one who did badly and received a put down. So I dropped the subject but I knew I could excel if I had a bit of encouragement and I disliked her so much and forgot her name.
Some years back I met another Chinese teacher, a Mrs. Lim Leng Lee who taught Geography until I was in form 5. Before taking the Senior Cambridge Eaxamination in 1962, she pulled me aside and asked whether I intended to take the Form Sixth Entrance Examination and the fee was RM6.00. I said I was not sure but she insisted I took it and if I couldn't pay the fee, she would pay for it. I never forget this kindness and the confidence showed to me, I took the exam and went to sixth form. I managed to say thank you to her face to face, even though she has forgotten it. I have not.
One person whom I owed most gratitude during my secondary school years is my Malay teacher, En. Tajuddin Ali. Wherever you are Cik Gu Tajuddin, thank you for nurturing, encouraging, defending and loving me during my school days. He taught and coached me in Malay language and in my debate and speech contests diligently. Without his help I wouldn't shine and achieve success. He made friends with my parents and loved to hear my father's stories about his days at SITC. I am very sorry if I ever I hurt you for I will always love you for being my teacher and my inspiration. Part of what I am today was due to you. We met again when he was a teachers college lecturer and I was working as an officer at Bahagian Pendidikan Guru in 1982. Then he became the Principal of Mohd Khalid Teacher Training College in Johor Bharu. So, thank you, thank you and thank you Cik Gu Tajuddin. May Allah bless you wherever you are.
Adolscence is the the period for searching self-identity. I did.
6 comments:
Mama,
My tears drop in my heart during read this post. We are always said that, if we want to do good things, do it selagi parents kita masih ada. Bila dah tiada, tak guna menyesal.Mama, I'm sure that your mom apologized you.How naughty you are, you are still madu and racun in her life.I'm sure that she know apa yang mama sudah lalui dan kecapi.Of course if she still alive, she will be proud of you as you said you are madu to her. Alfatihah for her. And hope that all the teenagers especially your ex-students learn it to be good to their parents.
Much Love,
Naj79
Najidah
TQ. That's what I hope my readers will learn. I know both my parents had forgiven me. they told me many times when they were still alive. Even then I just wished I wasn't so rebellious but I am happy I made them proud of me.
mama
mama..
ur adolescence time really menguji ur parents right?erm..dr penceritaan mama ni, mmg mama seorg anak yg berani..tp ada sebab disebaliknya..membesar dgn abang2 maybe shape ur personality..tp ada kebaikannyanya jugak..kalau mama x jadi mcm tu..maybe kita xkan berjumpa di UNIMAS..percayalah..setiap yg berlaku ada hikmah disebaliknya..ur son love u..same mcm mama syg parents mama jugak..
take care..
luv,
atiqah..
This is an interesting read looking at things from your point of view. Of course I've heard the gist of your story from nenek :)
Do continue with our family saga. I would love to find out more about my uncles and aunties...
-zuana-
Atiqah
TQ. It was much learning thru my life but still made big mistakes when dealing with one you love. My son is OK but he gave me so much challenge that I almost gave up. But God is great. He doesn't make you suffer throughout your life. Syukur alhamdullilah.
mama
Zuana
So glad you visit my blog. This is my legacy to my children, nieces and nephews and the grand and great grand children later. This is how I saw myself and my own experiences.
Love you
Mak Itam
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