Mixed feelings

I do not know how to describe my feeling this morning. I experienced a mixture of feelings like sadness, frustration, anger, hopelessness, helpless, confusion and a strong sense of fear. I guess only people who have experienced this will understand what I went through this morning. It was such a mixed feelings. I just drove my car like a robot back to PD after my eye check-up in UH. I needed to be alone to cry and to get over whatever feelings I was experiencing. It' s hard. I guess that's how some people lose hope. I am pleased I am able to sit in front of my computer now to describe my feelings with limited words to express it. I just thought to myself, this is how people go down to depression when feeling of hopelessness and despair get stuck in their mind. I thank God, I still have the sanity to go through this.

I didn't have good news after my checkup. In fact, it was a disappointing one. My eye pressure was down about 2 months ago on my last checkup. I was pleased. All my effort has paid off and I hoped it would continue to remain normal. But today my right eye charts a higher pressure and my doctor is worried. I was told 80% of my vision has gone and I am functioning on the 20% which is not stable. Yes, I know she told me on my last visit that my glaucoma is at advanced stage and described it as acute closed-angled glaucoma on both eyes. Her clinical diagnose conclude that I would have another 2 years to enjoy my sight. Will I be blind in 2011 or earlier? But I was hopeful then, confident that with Ocu Plus ordered from US, Bilbery extract, Eye Bright Extract, Homeopathy and selected vegetables for my vege juice will keep my eye pressure down as before. It wasn't to be. During the discussion with the doctor this morning, it was very factual and I thought I accepted it well.

I was wrong. At the table while eating my lunch, the tears just poured down. I was at the height of my sadness and despair. The young guys sitting at the next table must be wondering why the old lady while eating, her face was covered with tears even though it was hidden under a pair of sunglasses. It didn't matter, I couldn't control my tears, it just poured down my cheeks, my feeling was in turmoil. In the car I cried all the way to PD. My eyes have become so generous to tears!

I was in denial all this time. My acceptance of my condition is only on cognitive level. Emotionally I am fragile and still not able to accept fully of the perilous condition I am in, keep telling myself I am OK but today the floodgate just opened and I fully realised how fragile my vision is. I didn't want to talk to anybody and I wanted to wallow in self-pity alone. The big question WHY is still there. I have the biggest fear- fear of the unknown when I lose my sight, fear of living in darkness, fear of becoming dependent, who shall I be dependent on? Who can I count on? Fear losing my independence, I can't imagine myself not being able to drive, go where I want, at any time, anywhere on my own leisure, and do what I wish. Fear that I lose respect from people and fear people will pity me. I don't want pity. Fear of losing power and autonomy. Above all, fear of being alone when I can't watch TV, read, writing blog, open internet, care for my plants and other usual activities to keep me occupied. I can feel this big FEAR gripping my emotion and I became sadder and more tears. I am still crying while writing this. Oh God, am I so pathetic?

Oh yes, I talked about not reading the future because what will happen in future we don't know and it is poinless to worry about something that's not there yet - very logical but hard to apply. Worry about the future will create anxiety. Oh I know all those psychological impact of irrational thinking but this is my thing. I want to be irrational. I'll recover tomorrow, I promise! Oh yeah, Gestalt philosophy said 'Live in the present, the here and now, the future is unknown, the past is gone.' I am a strong believer of Gestalt and I have let go of the past, I live NOW but I am scared of the future because I know I'll be blind. So sorry Gestalt, I know my future and that's why I have fear. Gestalt will say, 'confront your fear' and I'll ask back 'How?' Cognitively, I know TIME will heal and I'll adjust to whatever life I'll have. Meanwhile - fear and anxiety!!!!

May Allah bless me and give an extension to allow me to enjoy the world He has created. I planned to see Komodo dragons next month in Komodo Island, Indonesia but because of HINI, Sharipah and I decided to postpone it till everything is OK. Meanwhile Najidah and I are going to Gunung Ledang Resort to lepak and enjoy the waterfall.